During my one-month sabbatical, a backlog of questions offered by thoughtful Exotic readers has come to my attention. Please be patient if I haven't gotten to your yet.
Dear "HP,"
I'm wondering if you can settle a bet some friends and I have. I've got a large sum of money that says it's not weird for a guy to spend hours watching professional sports, then visiting one of the team's locker rooms, then going back to the hotel to take off his bad toupee and put on garter belts and bustiers and have sex with a strange woman. What do you think?
M.A., NYC, NYDear M.A.,
Sorry, Chuckles, but you lose the bet. Any man who wears anything as offensive as a bad toupee can be safely termed a "pervert" and deserves any consequences of his behavior.
Dear "HP,"
How do sex positions get their names? Why do we settle for calling a position some name that makes no sense and we didn't have any say in naming? For example, why is the "reverse cowgirl" position called that? I have my own theory, of course, but why can't we call it something else?
R.N., EugeneDear R.N.,
Good example! The so-called "reverse cowgirl" gets its name from the most obvious source. It was named, like many other things, after its inventor, Maria Reverse-Cowgirl. A member of the British aristocracy, Ms. R-C devised her namesake as a clever solution to the problems posed by Victorian culture. By having the woman mount her partner by sitting astride and facing away from him, couples could have sex without having to look at one another's faces, thereby being able to not only retain anonymity, but keep anyone (including the other person) from seeing them enjoy themselves.
Dear "HP,"
I've been a nervous wreck ever since hearing a story on NPR about the quality of germs found in the typical American home. They said that the bathroom was not the most germ-filled room in the house, nor the bedroom, but the kitchen. Kitchen sponges in particular were a festering collection of disgusting bacteria and germs. If this is true, and if so, what should I do to adapt to this disturbing information?
S.G., Richland, WADear S.G.,
Right you are, S.G. The typical kitchen sponge is a veritable virus nirvana. Think about this the next time you're having sex. It is far less disgusting to ask your partner to tongue your anus than to ask them to lick your kitchen sponge. As far as living dangerously or breaking taboos, the time should come soon when couples tired of fairly bland sex will break out a well-used kitchen sponge and dive in. The other important thing to remember from this discovery is that when you have a counter-top spill, don't grab the sponge you keep next to the kitchen sink, but instead drop your pants and wipe your butt across the spill. Make sure your dinner-party guests witness this for themselves; they will thank you for your thoughtfulness.