LET THE SURFER BEWARE
Internet savvy ladies need to take heed: the FDA is warning against purchases of two unsafe medical "kits" available through Web sites. An at-home abortion kit which bills itself as being "scientifically proved safe and unrisky" could result in heavy bleeding, birth defects (if unsuccessful) or death, according to the agency. A female self-sterilization (!??) kit which claims to use a device similar to an IUD also uses an unapproved drug (quinacrine hydrochloride) which can cause abnormal pregnancies, ectopic or tubal pregnancies, and permanent reproductive organ damage. Ladies, these procedures are legal, fairly inexpensive, and safe within a clinical setting... don't try them at home! If you or anyone you know has used the kits, you can report any problems by calling 1-800-332-4010.

CENSORSHIP COPS DO THE UNTHINKABLE
How many times have the forces of pro-censorship assured American's that legitimate, mainstream videos would never be subjected to their evil eye and that video renters would never be harassed for renting controversial films? Actions speak louder than words and the removal of 1979 Best Foreign Film, The Tin Drum from the shelves of five Oklahoma City Blockbuster Video and one Hollywood Video speaks damn loud. But not as loud as the police request for rental records to track down rented tapes. The single copy at Hollywood Video was seized from the home of its renter during viewing. The film, ironically, is about Nazi police brutality and contains a scene in which a man (who has refused to mature physically beyond age 11) has oral sex with a teen-age girl. The film's director, Volker Scholondorff had this to say: "I am glad to see that 18 years after the fact, the obscenity of The Tin Drum has caught the law's attention. Of course, Gunter Grass' novel should be seized, too, in all public libraries as well as private homes worldwide. David Bennent, the boy who was 11 when we were shooting the incriminating scenes, is 29-years-old now. So why not put him on trial, too? The gratuitous violence of most current summer blockbusters is truly obscene. The outrageous sexual fantasies in The Tin Drum are part of life and therefore can't be obscene." Way to go, Volker. Next time they try to pass a censorship bill and assure us it won't affect the average person we'll know what to call them. A hint: it starts with an "l" and ends with an "r."

MONTANA SHEEP STILL WON'T SLEEP WELL
In spite of ignorant objections, Montana's Supreme Court has abolished its 24-year-old ban on gay sex. The court concluded that the ban violated Montana's constitutionally guaranteed right to privacy. Predictably, opponents concluded that the decision would threaten "the sanctity of marriage and traditional family values." Apparently anti-gay activists find the attraction of gay sex to be far stronger than that of heterosexual sex. Interesting. The effect upon the state's unique mutton tenderizing procedures is likely to be minimal, however. Too many traditional family farms.

YOU'RE NEVER TOO OLD TO BE NAUGHTY
The youngest model in Florida's Royal Palm Retirement Centre calendar will be a mere 70-years-old. The fund-raising project will include a trench-coated 88-year-old gentleman flashing his shorts, “censored” out to add to the humor of the photograph. The project has been a great moral builder for the center’s residents.