Looking for an excuse to get out of the house and into a cool, comfortable, building full of gorgeous, naked women? You could claim it's the summer heat driving you indoors or you could selflessly claim you're "Doin' it for Darklady" this month. Yup, August is Darklady's Birthday Month and, hell, I can't be everywhere... so you just gotta do it for me, my brave little soldiers.

One place I do know I'll be (as usual... I'm just so predictable) is Fetish Night at Berbati's Pan on the 17th. This month, like last month, will feature a dance and play party... and the play area is really nice, let me tell you. Well-lit and private. If you don't go this month, you're going to have to wait until October, so time's a-wastin'! One of Darklady's Detectives heard a rumor that there might be a Rubber Ball for New Year's... Now you know what to do with those old retreads.

Since I'm thinking about Berbati's Pan, I'm remembering Miss Mona's Ladies of Leisure show back in June. I've had a lot of folks ask me where I got my groovy Victorian dress and so I'll tell ya: I had it custom made with Daring Designs. If you or a lusted-after-one is interested in high quality, individually designed and created garments for play or work, call (503) 232-8325 and you can set up a fitting/design appointment.

If you've looked in your closet and just don't have anything to wear but you're not quite ready to have anything custom made, then check out the new Bad Attitude Boutique at 3315 SE Hawthorne. You can call them at (503) 232-2669 and ask them about their line of gothic and romantic clothing. Dancers, don't forget to ask for your entertainer discount, available to all entertainers regardless of how much skin they expose. The Bad Attitude Outlet on SE Belmont will continue to offer body piercing and bondage "stuff," as well as markdowns and special selections.

All this costume fun is, ultimately, about theater so it only makes sense to see what's actually going on locally in the theater scene. The Main Street Playhouse (904 SW Main St., Portland) is presenting Making Porn, a new play about the gay porn industry. It plays Wednesday through Sunday until the 17th and I, for one, plan on being there. Why? Well, heck... it contains nudity and strong language, of course! You can call (503) 223-6790 for times and ticket price. Maybe I'll see you there?

I want to apologize to everyone who went to Fetische' (located on W. Burnside next to Fantasy Video) hoping to buy one of their Heartwood floggers. I got the last one (nyah!). But have no fear, more are on the way! Remember, RCDC and NLA members with their cards get 10% off purchases. There should be plenty of leatherfolk in town this month, too... what with the first 10 days of August being dedicated to Leather Pride Week (a 10-day week?). If you miss this year's (or what information about events) you can e-mail Blackout Leather Productions of Oregon at blackout@teleport.com or write them at 2624 SE Harrison, Portland, OR, 97214.

If you like it fetishy and kinky, feel free to come and get a birthday spanking from the birthday girl herself. I'll be offering by-appointment-only dungeon sessions at Scarlett Ribbons this month. Call (503) 775-9608 to reserve time with me or one of my lovely and very stern friends. Scarlett Ribbons (5224 SE Foster Rd) is under new ownership and they've got some great new plans. A second dungeon is being developed, as well as a party room and the Chrysalis Room, especially for those gentlemen interested in getting in touch with their feminine side.

In other lingerie modeling salon news, Palace of Pleasure has (I'm really excited about being able to say this) 22 beauties... all with their very own breasts! Yes, head on over and show them how much you appreciate natural women.

On the other hand, for you ladies who want to boost your busts, Cathie's has a special drawing for you. Register before 5pm on August 9th to win a free breast augmentation surgery. The winner will be selected at 9pm on the 9th at Doc's... and she must be present to win. If you're registering at the last minute (or just know a good thing when she's in town) you can meet Cathie's patron saint of porn, Shane. She'll be available for autographs and photos from noon until 5pm on Saturday the 9th.

Before I start telling you about the local club scene, I need to let you know that the magnificent Teresa Dulce's 'zine, Danzine, is back on the Internet. Surf on over to http://www.e-z.net/~danzine and see what all the hubbubb's about, bub.

Oh, wait... one more comment about breasts: Roosters will be offering a tantalizing treat soon: breasts we can eat. Hmmm... am I too chicken to ask what that means?

There's nothing chicken about Salem's newest exotic nightclub, Scores. It will open this month, with or without a liquor license. If a permit isn't issued, then the club will be an 18 and over gentleman's club. The management is full of apologies about their delay and is going to make it all better by featuring the sultry Jasmine St. Claire from August 13 - 16th. Some lucky stiff will win a date with Ms. St. Claire and I hear there's also an opportunity to win a spot in one of her upcoming videos. Sweet deal. You can call Scores for more information about these offerings, and their dance contest at (503) 363-6818.

Everything old is new again and Salem's Showgirls lingerie modeling parlor will re-open this month at 2735 Portland Road. Call them at (503) 365-7311 for more details.

Eugene's Silver Dollar Club for four daily opportunities from the 12th through the 14th for you to clap eyes on gorgeous Penthouse Pet, Brandi Braxton. She's on the stands this month, gents, so get yourself an eye-full at home and in the club.

A great big congratulations goes out to one of our favorite cover-girls, Mina, (November '96) for winning the Spice Channel Talent Search contest at Stars. She'll be representeding the northwest at the finals in New York. Go Mina! Stars thanks all the Exotic readers who helped celebrate the club's anniversary all last month. All month long is how we like to do it.

In booking news, Montego's is now featuring the lovely ladies from Sassy's, so now you've got twice the opportunity to see your favorite ladies!

Exotic wants to welcome That's Entertainment to our pages. These good people have 12 years of experience proudly booking some of the most beautiful and famous dancers in the world, for clubs the world over. Club owners can contact them at (604) 682-1122 or e-mail them at thats@starnet.ca. There's even more information for us all at their Web site, http://www.thatsent.com.

The newly remodeled Hard Times will be visited by adult video stars Dyanna Lauren and Troy Halston on the 7th and 8th, so stop by, admire the new look and meet some of your favorite stars.

You west end boys will have a new lingerie shop sure Sugars is relocating and will be open again in September. In the meanwhile, Baby Dolls is now on Barbur Blvd. Their new phone number is (503) 245-4545.

Finally, if you've always wondered how many feature dancers it would take to put you in a coma, you can find out by attending the 5th Annual Gentlemen's Club Owners Expo in Las Vegas, Nevada from September 2nd through the 4th. This is the largest gathering in the world of adult nightclub owners, operators, exotic dancers, and companies servicing the industry. Three days of panels, dancer showcases, special parties, a trade show and more should give you an idea what your limit might be. If you haven't had enough after taht, stay for the 1st Annual Exotic Dancer Fan Fair where you'll have the chance to see more than 75 feature dancers, including Sunset Thomas, Midori, Mimi Miyagi, Laura Palmer, Anna Malle, April Hunter, Houston, and (as they say) many, many more. You've got the publishers of Exotic Dancer Magazine to thank for all this. For more information, call (813) 726-3592.

That's it for me. I'm off to have my cake and eat it, too. See ya next month!