“We’re gonna spend half the night driving around the hills looking for one party and then leaving `cause it sucks, then we’re gonna look for this other party you heard about. But Trent, all the parties and bars, they all suck. I spend half the night trying to talk to some girl who’s eyes are darting around to see if there’s someone else she should be talking to. And it’s like I’m supposed to be happy `cause she’s wearing a backpack. Half of them are nasty skanks who wouldn’t be shit if they weren’t surrounded by a bunch of drunken horny assholes. I’m not gonna be one of those assholes. I want to throw up. Some fuckin’ skank who is half the woman my girlfriend is, is gonna front me? It makes me wanna fuckin’ puke!”
–Mike from “Swingers”

Why is it that whenever I walk into a strip club anymore I feel like a hemophiliac in a razor factory? You know when you start feeling like that, it’s time to make some changes. So starting next month we’ll be shifting the focus of this magazine from sex to oh... say... animals... or beer... or copyright law or something. I dunno, it might change from month to month `cause, hey, it’s my fucking magazine and not yours, so there. Anyway, for this month we’ll stick with the sex angle...

I’m not feeling well, but I shot the cover this month of Luna– who Michelangelo would have refused as a model saying, “Even my perfectly shaped marble cannot do her justice,” or something like that but in Italian– who you can worship regularly at the Acropolis and Club 205 (I guess I’m still well enough for long, run-on sentences). Darklady or Theresa or whatever her name is this month wrote an article about herself and Carol Queen. And you know I always say, you never can get enough of either one of `em. Some guy wrote a boring piece on the Supreme Court striking down the Communications Decency Act last month... current news there, eh? And Rex had to put his sixty dollars in about something we’ve all been dying to know... lingerie shops and booth shows. Oh boy, there’s something we’ve never covered. Then, of course, in the Legal Column, we ranked hard on the OLCC just for fun because they suck so bad. I hope they don’t hold it against me for the next few years...

Okay, ready? Big finish: Butter? I hardly know `er...

“Impressive. Most impressive. Obi-wan has taught you well. You have controlled your fear. Now, release your anger! Only your hatred can destroy me!”–Darth Vader