BREAST IMPLANTS: TWO TICKETS TO PARTY LAND?
We're not sure whether the latest research info about breast implants is supposed to appall or entice us, but here it is, straight from the Journal of the American Medical Association: Compared to "natural" women, those with the latest in medical technology (for non-medical reasons) are nearly three times more likely to drink seven or more boozy beverages a week, more than 1.5 times more likely to have been pregnant before they were 20, more than twice as likely to have had at least one abortion, more than twice as likely to use The Pill (although, it would appear, not very well), about 4.5 times more likely to dye their hair (oh, no! not that!), nearly nine times as likely to have gotten laid by 14 or more different people, and more likely to be slim. The researcher's goal was to determine whether other, non-surgical, reasons might exist for the medical problems some implant recipients have complained about. The AMA article neglected, however, to include names, phone numbers, or occupations of bionically boobed babes involved in the study.

DODGING THE STORK: AMERICAN STYLE
Whether they grow their own breasts or pick them out of a catalog, there are some basic health, hygiene, and procreation choices that every woman has to make for herself. So, prurient minds want to know... what are they deciding? According to the new report from the National Center for Health Statistics, the leading way of avoiding the maternity ward for women between the ages of 14 and 44 is sterilization (10.7 million), followed by The Pill (10.4 million), then the male condom (7.9 million) and male sterilization (4.2 million). Women who have never married have tripled the use of condoms between 1982 and 1995 (from 4% to 14%) and more first-timers are using condoms on their virgin voyage into sex (18% in the 1970s, 36% in the 1980s, to 54% in the 1990s)... maybe that's why the number of women being treated for pelvic inflammatory disease has dropped. Unwanted births have declined to a mere 10% since 1984 (12%). The number of unwanted births among black women dropped from 29% to 21%, and the average number of offspring per family in 1995 is 2.2, down from 2.4 in 1982. Gotta wonder about that .4/.2 kid, though. Scary.

PRIMATE SLUTS OF THE JUNGLE
Looks like males don't have the corner of the market on fooling around, according to recent chimpanzee research. Nearly half of chimp babies may be bastards, according to paternity test results studied by scientist at the University of California at San Diego and the Basel Zoological Institute in Switzerland. Of 13 infants studied in an Ivory Coast group, only seven were fathered by males within the group. It's not uncommon for females to disappear for a day or two and many, it appears, take that opportunity to make extra special friends with neighboring males. If caught by members of their own group, however, the consequences are usually deadly for any suspicious offspring. Male chimps are not interested in foreplay, flowers, or poetry but do seem to have a flair for fighting.