5 Things More Obscene Than Exotic Magazine

Twenty years ago a group in Portland (The Bible Temple) published a list of "agents of Satan" that included my name and banned any of its members from any contact with me. Even with this proud moment on my resume, it was a shock to find that an innocent (albeit adolescent) throwaway line in this column a few months ago caused some reactionary internet nut to claim that Exotic (and, particularly, its female editor) advocates and contributes to mass rape.

Without stooping to defend the column against such clueless blather, I thought it might be time to look at some real cases of obscenity which are not receiving the attention they deserve from those who claim to be guarding our culture's morals.

1) The fact that, despite the tabloid frenzy over the JonBenet Ramsey murder case, no one seems to question the morality of dressing up five-year-olds like $500 hookers and having them parade themselves in front of large groups of (adult) strangers. While I have no children of my own, I have many relatives and friends with children, and not one daughter among them has, at five to 10 years before puberty, demanded that her parents paint her up like a model for a phone-sex ad and teach her to strut and grind in front of strange (in every sense of the word) men. To make matters worse, these "pageants" make videos available to the public; a virtual shopping service for pedophiles.

2) Typical daytime TV (especially during "sweeps" month), i.e., "I Had Sex With My Dead Boyfriend," or "Trailer Trash Having Incest on Camera," today on Jerry Springer, "True-Life Video of Nuns and Orphans Being Killed, tonight on Fox," "True-Life Video of Jenny Jones Guests Being Forced to Have Sex with Jerry Springer, tonight on Montel Williams"...

3) As I write this, ABC's Prime Time Live is doing a story on the NAAWP (National Association for the Advancement of White People). The group's leader, Paul Allen (not the Paul Allen who owns the Portland Trailblazers) claims that 65% of all African-Americans are mentally retarded. Any information that shoots holes in the NAAWP's needle-dick ranting is, in the group's opinion, part of the "Jewish-owned media conspiracy."

4) Maybe it's not technically obscene, but the dude with the hat and little dog who shows up in all the Nissan ads scares not only me, but many young relatives of mine. Why is he in those ads? Does he ever let go of that poor dog? Is it just me, or has anyone else noticed that he seems to shudder with erotic fulfillment when he says things like, "Dogs like trucks?"

5) While Paul Allen (the owner of the Trailblazers, not the head of the NAAWP) spends his millions on sports and rock-n-roll, Microsoft co-founder Bill Gates wouldn't know a party if it showed up as a virus in the next version of Windows. If Gates took just the interest on his billions, he could take 100 of the closest friends he doesn't have, fly them to an exotic locale like Cancun, and treat each guest to a prostitute, a case of booze and a gram of coke. He could then repeat this party day after day and he and his guests would die before the money ran out, a development many of us would witness with relish.