ANSWER ME! GETS ITS VERDICT
Newsstand owner, Ira Stohl, and manager, Kristina Hjelsand, are at least $1.2 million richer today, thanks to a recent federal jury decision on free speech. The two were acquitted a year ago of pornography charges surrounding the sales of 10 copies of Answer Me!, a magazine which contained graphic descriptions of rape. Four sexual assault survivors had testified that reading the material had been therapeutic, contrary to the opinions of prosecuting authorities, who had claimed the publication glamorized and encouraged rape, torture and murder of children and women.

DEAD COMPU-GEEKS END ALIEN INSURANCE COVERAGE
It only takes one mansion for full of dead Apples to ruin the fun for everyone. A mere seven months ago we brought you the Good News that certain London insurance companies were offering coverage in the event of alien abduction and/or impregnation. Well, now that the 39 members of Higher Source (aka Heaven's Gate) have cashed in their memory chips the London company which extended coverage to them has decided to stop offering the policy in the hopes it will discourage other loonier... er... believers from returning to the Mother Ship ahead of schedule. The cult members had learned (via the Internet, of course) of the special coverage. Other... er... unique policies will continue to be available, such as insurance for virgins against pregnancy via divine intervention; for lost prostitution wages due to headache and/or backache; transformation into either werewolf or vampire; death or serious injury through paranormal activity; and for unfaithful husbands against "Bobbitting."

GET MY KICKS ABOVE THE WAIST, SUNSHINE
Lack of sexual sensation has been a tragedy many women with spinal cord injuries have been forced to endure. But two researchers in New Brunswick, NJ believe that can restore orgasmic ability in these women. They claim to have isolated a chemical which produces orgasms in women... even if their spinal cords are damaged. It is hoped that a pill can be developed which can be used to treat pain and restore sensual pleasure. Experiments using lab rats (I don't even wanna know how they did this) revealed that the brain can receive sexual response signals along pathways other than the spinal cord. No information is available, however, on where to get tiny, rat-sized wheelchairs.

KING SOLOMON NEED NOT APPLY!
The staff of Seattle Pacific University in Norfolk, VA , (a Christian university) might want to consider reading some of the randier sections of the Old Testament before they get too smug about condemning a recently canned instructor. Scott Cairns, an associate professor of English and director of creative writing, had been offered a $50,000-a-year position at SPU on February 16th. The college president revoked that offer on March 11th after it was discovered that the clearly carnal Cairns had (gasp!) written a sexually suggestive poem three years prior. The poem, the president claimed, would "compromise the moral and ethical foundation upon which our institution operates." The university's offer of $5,000 for Cairns' silence and promise not to sue are, apparently, completely in keeping with those grand traditions, however.

VICE IS NICE BUT INCEST IS... RESPECTABLE!
Daniel (38) and Rosa Maria (42) Moya had more in common than they knew when they met at a Madrid discotheque: they were brother and sister, separated as children during their parents' divorce. When they discovered the shocking truth they expected their small Spanish town to reject them and their two children, 11 and 14. But, proving that things have changed since the Inquisition, the town council voted to recognize both their union and their children’s births.