Sometimes it just gets too weird and I don’t know how to act.

One night I’m out at Beavers and I say to Kristy, “If you could tell everybody in town anything you wanted to say in 10 words or less, what would that be?” She says, “Keep it in my shoe, motherfucker.” Okay. I didn’t get it but she said her regulars would know what she meant. I guess it’s just some weird thing only they understand and, maybe someday, I could figure it out.

And so the whole week goes on like that. I was kinda like the outsider who didn’t get the joke. I went up to the 505 Club and talked to Karl about it, cause I’m thinking he’s a pretty cool, hip guy. He’d know what was going on, what it meant, but he just looked at me and said, “What’s up with Princess Leah’s hair, anyway?” And, again, I just don’t get it. Maybe this is my fate, to not get it.

I had designs on this girl: a tall, big, blonde full of fire and I dug that. I tried all my smoothest moves and bits on her and she just wouldn’t say “yes.” I was wondering, what’s going on with her? Why isn’t this working? Should I just plain ask her out? So, I did and I got a sorta no. Not really, but nothing definite. I was getting heartbroken. So, I call my oldest and dearest friend, Uncle Mikey. He’s helped me out of a lot of jams. Now, he’s the last of a dying breed of Portuguese bodyguards who’d take a bullet for you, yet always ready to dispense wisdom. But he tells me, in matters of the heart, I’m on my own.

I don’t know. I was really ready to scream and go find her. Ask her, did she just want me to cut my fuckin’ heart out? And I would have done it! But I walked outside and looked up at the sky all dark and full of stars. A really big moon was shining. Then it occurred to me. “Keep it in my shoe, motherfucker.” And I knew Kristy was right! There would be other days and other girls. I think I’ll be all right.

And Karl, everyone who saw the movie knows she’s hiding the bagels.

My buddy, Big Steve, who has four lingerie modeling studios (Sugar Daddy’s, Baby Dolls, Honeysuckles, and Sugars) is trying to force me to have one of the beautiful ladies that work for him give me a private show. If I let him get away with that, next thing I know, he’ll want me to see a two-girl show with one blonde and one brunette; one dressed in red and the other in black, dancing and modeling just for me. I know I’d get all excited and Mr. Wood would just want to stay there forever. Can’t have that. But you can go in. They are all really nice places and feature some of the best looking ladies in town. Just tell them you want the show I would get!

Another really nice place for lingerie models is Private Pleasures out on Barbur Boulevard. It’s a really beautiful old house and the ladies are all great looking with great personalities, especially Kat (the girl in the ad).

If I ever do get weak and go get up nerve for a private show, it’s going to be her in that pink dress (back out slowly, don’t let her know you’re all excited, John Henry).

Buy this guy a drink! “Mean” Mike, who works out at Jody’s, is the coolest guy I know! He took time out to do something for someone who is really special to me. I just want to say “thanks.” When you see him, give him money and gifts. He’s worthy!

Duh! While at Jody’s, I was wearing my Club Cabos shirt and Jody asked me where I got it. Don’t you know? You own the place! And they sell them there, okay? Go buy one.

Well, anyway, I guess that’s all for now. Call me if you wanna: (503) 604-8885.

I’m the Real John Henry and all that jazz...