There’s only two things sure in life; death and taxes. Well, three things, actually; death, taxes and, if you’re a female who could pass for a supermodel, that you’ll have sexual opportunities too numerous for the rest of us to comprehend.

In the good old days, there was wife-swapping and there was cheating. In the former, each of you got a partner from the other couple, and the four of you had sex. In the latter, you got someone else’s spouse (and a world of legal trouble if the someone else found out). Now, there’s “sharing.” In magazines, couples advertise for a third party (usually a straight male or bi-female) to join them in hard-core frolicking. This recent menage-a-trois mania (like most topics dealing with sex) has me baffled.

In even relatively staid publications, ads are appearing seeking the right bi or “bi-curious” female to complete the triangulation effect. Now assuming that the couple is looking for a woman who will be interested in satisfying both partners, then this makes sense. Guys tend to get less territorial over the thought of a woman stealing their girlfriend. If a woman shares her boyfriend with another woman, he hasn’t really cheated on her, has he?

Bi men, on the other hand, are (thanks to AIDS) considered a minefield no one seems to want to enter. If you’re a male advertising for a “bi-curious” male, you're looking for a guy to have sex with, but you don’t want him to know a hell of a lot about what to do. And a woman who wants to have sex with another woman? She says she’s straight and doesn’t want a “gay” woman, but she wants to get down and dirty with another woman who also “doesn’t normally do this sort of thing.”

So where does that leave us? Straight men and women want bi-females, bi-females want bi-females, and gay females might want bi-females. In other words, the only people who don’t want bi-females are gay men (except, of course, for those who are “bi-curious”).

Although women outnumber men in America, bi-females are in the minority. How do we satisfy this seemingly unlimited demand for a preciously limited resource? The only answer is to expand the menage-a-trois by 33%. Get a gay woman and a straight woman together with a couple, and let them sort things out. Everybody gets double servings of his/her favorite genitalia; how can that be a bad thing? Problem is, I hear you say, how do you coordinate such an undertaking? It’s simple, really. How do you get more people involved with a project than it really needs? Have the government do it, of course!

The Dept. of Health and Human Services adds a Bureau of Trysts and Assignations, and whenever you ask for a “bi-female,” they send over anything but. There’s some obvious drawbacks, but it makes paying your taxes a little easier, doesn’t it?