I don't know about the rest of you, but I just had an amazingly non-consensual sexual experience with an impersonal government body: the IRS. No flowers, no candy, no reach-around. It's damn rude, is all I have to say. Thank goodness I can take the few pennies I have left to rub together (until they scream) to some of the local sensual healers in the area. Ahhhh... that's much better.

We've had several "spring" days in a row this past month and odds are we'll see more and more of them one right after the other. Although we'll spend most of our girl watching indoors, Roosters is going to give us an alternative this month. If the weather gods see fit we'll be able to lounge on the rooftop beer garden starting May 15th, dammit. Might be to time to get religious.

While we're talking new additions, don't forget to check out Jody's improvements at the grand re-opening party on May 24th. I've heard some pretty nice things about the new look. With all the clubs sprucing themselves we're going to end up running ourselves ragged trying to keep up with them! Oh, the suffering.

JD's Bar and Grill is all shiny and new for spring, too. New stages, carpet, hi-tech lighting, tables, chairs, and black formica counters, a sound system, and a DJ are all waiting for your approval. And with my favorite man, Steve (of Sassy's, Doc's and Dooley's fame) booking the babes, you know it's going to be well worth frequent visits.

The Nicolai Street Clubhouse has joined the ranks of Exotic advertisers, so make sure and drop in for one of their daily beverage specials, some big screen sports entertainment and, of course, the lovely ladies. Let them know that Exotic Magazine readers are the best kind of customers... and the most appreciative tippers, of course. They've got new Saturday hours, too. They're now open from 11 am - 9pm on Saturday (with free pool) and Monday - Friday, 9 am - 2:30 am.

For you sportsbar fans on the eastside, make sure and clip that $1 off coupon out of the Double Dribble Sports Tavern ad. It's good until May 31st and it's an Exotic exclusive so go check out their new dancers, drink some of the best beer around and let the bartender know how much you love Exotic and its advertisers.

The much anticipated Exotica will be opening in June or July and is now auditioning entertainers (and seeking employees for all other positions). You can call the Exotica International Hotline for more information at either (503) 251-1783 or (503) 761-3928. Word has it that the club will feature materials and architectural features from all over the world.

Other club employment news: Dave Heller or Professional Entertainment Service is booking the Backswing now. Interested? Call (503) 920-7554 for more information.

Contrary to popular (and dirt ignorant) opinion, intelligent and genuinely erotic dancing does exist... in fact, it's alive and well at the Magic Garden, especially during their monthly Cocktail Party and Lounge Dancing evening. This month you can dance cheek-to-cheek (the ones near your eyes, fellas) with your favorite lady on Sunday, May 18th from 6pm - 2 am. Put on your fine threads, gents, and prepare yourself for a real delight.

Portland's going to experience a real invasion of big names this month. Portland's favorite dance duo, the Lick Sisters, will be joining in on the fun at the Fly Girls Dance Contest being held at the newly remodeled Doc's Bar and Grill. All dancers are free to enter the contest and win $1,000 in cash prizes (just call 503-731-2500 to register). Everyone (naked or not) is eligible to win thousands more in clothing and sunglass prizes. Not bad for a five dollar cover charge, eh? The fun and frolic is being sponsored by Black Flys, PornStar clothing, Doc's, Bad Kitty and the ever lovable Exotic Magazine.

One big contest deserves another, don't you think? Stars Cabaret is helping bring the month to a tasty finish by hosting the Spice Girl 1997 Contest. You can meet celebrity judges (and adult video favorites) Marc Davis and Rebecca Lord at Fantasy for Adults Only in Tigard on the day of the contest, May 29th. The winner of the Oregon Spice Girl Contest will receive an all-expense paid trip to New York for the Search for Spice Girl finals. Remember to thank the contest sponsors, Stars, Spice Entertainment Channel, Fantasy Only for Adults, and the magazine that loves to be part of a good time, Exotic Magazine.

But you don't have to wait until the 29th to enjoy Stars' hospitality and feature appeal. May 14th - 17th will be packed with plenty of Kaylan Nicole... four nightly shows of her, in fact! You can call (503) 222-STAR for exact times.

Club 122 starts the month of right with the eye-pleasing good looks of April Hunter, a lady you may have seen on the front as well as center of some of your favorite gentleman's magazines. Now you can see her front and center in Portland on Thursday, May 1st. You'll want to bring your binoculars for the second big feature, though... and I do mean big. Thursday through Saturday (the 15th through the 17th) are long enough for your eyes to move from her feet to the top of the nearly seven foot showgirl's hair. Yes, it's Roxy LeRoux, back in town to give you another opportunity to say you've seen all of her.

Salem's Main Event will present its usual assortment of gorgeous women this month. Covergirl and centerfold, April Hunter will show you that she really doesn't have a set of staples in her tummy on Friday and Saturday, May 2nd and 3rd. Then Penthouse Pet of the Year runner-up and adult video star Leslie Glass will shake her money-maker from Monday the 12th through Wednesday the 14th. She's gonna get pretty tired doin' all that shakin', so make sure and toss a few dead presidents her way to make it worth her while, won't you?

If you're in Eugene, never fear! We haven't forgotten you. May 5th through the 7th will be your special chance to drop by the Silver Dollar Club and appreciate every morsel of the very photogenic April Hunter. And you can lift your mid-month spirits by spending at least some of the 15th through the 17th with video cutie, Leslie Glass. You'll be her last stop in Oregon, so give her a memory of Eugene hospitality she'll be telling her beautiful naked friends about for a long time, eh? She'll tell two friends and they'll tell two friends, and so on and so on...

Fans of Kobe Tai will want to drop by Fantasy for Adults Only in Tigard on the 9th, between 4 pm and 8 pm for a chance to meet one of the most beautiful Asian women in adult cinema today. If you miss the Tigard appearance, don't fret... she'll be waiting for you on the 10th from 1pm - 4pm at the Sandy Boulevard location. But wait, there's more! Make a point to pencil in a date with Christy Canyon and Peter North (whose birthday is May 11th, by the way) for June.

Although I'm not an X-Rated video queen (ok... I was an extra in the upcoming Wicked Video release, Enchanted) but I do love being in front of a video camera and I especially love it when my readers watch. So, if you like to watch (and have cable television) please tune in to the Snickers LaBarr Show on May 13th and 21st at 10pm on channel 21 (Paragon Cable) or May 15th at 6pm on channel 11 (TCI Cable) and watch Snickers ask me all kinds of probing and personal questions. If you miss these dates, keep your eyes open for unscheduled filler presentations.

Portland's becoming the city of battling lingerie shops and everyone wants your attention this month. Palace of Pleasure is celebrating their one-year anniversary on May 9th and 10th with 20 beautiful models from 5pm until midnight. Rumor has it that their major two-girl special will be two girls for the price of one. It's a good thing they're open 24 hours!

Honeysuckles is re-opening after a spring remodeling binge and, along with their building improvements you'll find all new faces (and bodies, too, I assume) and new hours: 9 am - 3 am daily. Drop by and enjoy a $39 half-hour show in improved comfort.

You can indulge your sweet tooth at Sugars with a $39 half-hour show there, as well. And when you do, you get $10 off your next show (not valid on Sunday).

Lingerie enthusiasts can enjoy two girls for $60 at Leather and Lace any day of the week but Sunday, being special, includes a $29 fully nude super special.

And, as if that wasn't enough to put all of our garters in a twist, any Scarlett Ribbons' May session is $10 off regular price!

Oh, but there's more: Snip the Fantasy Tan coupon attached to their ad in this issue and get 25% off any performance during their new shop hours of noon to 2am.

And then there's the mysterious "early bird special" at Fantasy Lingerie.

Oregon's capitol is finally offering the kind of entertainment that just can lift an over-worked congressman's spirits: Showgirls is Salem's only lingerie shop and will open its doors on Tuesday, May 20th. You can enjoy a $59 half-hour show seven days a week from 10am - 1am. Feel free to call (503) 760-4643 for more information, or just head over to 3043 Portland Road to see what all the excitement's about. I don't know about you, but it all makes me wish I could get a government lingerie study grant.

One of my favorite local "woman friendly" (and man friendly, too!) shops is back advertising in our adoring pages again. The Crimson Phoenix carries an amazing assortment of books, condoms, sex toys, novelties and pheromone sex attractant perfume oils. Stop on in and tell Gary that Darklady sends a sultry hello.

All you hole-y rollers will want to take advantage of Black Hole Body Piercing's May special: 10% off all piercings. After you've put another hole in your head (or your navel or your... well, whatever gets you through the night...)

And finally, some sad news and some glad news:

Our deepest sympathy to the family, friends and employees of Rose City's Ernie Ball. Ernie left us for that ultimate fantasy booth show in the sky in mid-April. I hope he's got a good seat and an endless fist full of $20's.

But even during dark times there's hope. We've all heard more than enough about the supposed misdeeds of folks who work in or patronize adult businesses. It's about damn time to hear a happy story. I received e-mail recently about a young lady whose briefcase had been stolen from her car. Fearing the worst, she'd pretty much given it up for lost when she received a phone call from a bartender at the Riverside Corral letting her know that her briefcase was at the club. A happy reunion followed. I don't know who the bartender was but I want to say "thank you" to whoever it was... more proof that the adult business is full of decent human beings!

And, speaking of decent human beings, Miss Mona and her April Carnal Carnival raised several hundred dollars toward Butterfly's medical expenses. Thanks to everyone who helped make it possible. Darklady loves you (and there are those who'd say that's a good thing.

See you in the flesh at the clubs and in print next month.