So, what is "it" called, anyway?

See, one day I was talking to Karla at the Exotic office about banging and she says she calls it humping. My mission in life suddenly became clear to me. So, I asked Frank what he called doin' it and he says, "I call it fucking. I love to call it fucking, especially when I'm fucking. What else would you call it?"

Well, Frank, Sheila calls it boinking, Darklady calls it boffing, Bobby at Exotic says it's the rub belly (that one makes sense to me). Marissa at the Sandy Boulevard Fantasy Video store likes the horizontal mambo (sure, Marissa, like you really know how to mambo) and fucking but she used to call it bumpin' uglies! Howard at the Tigard Fantasy Video store says it's attending the midnight convention and Flo, at the same store, said "doin' it is called doin' it and I love calling it doin' it," and I believed her.

Later on I went to see Lori at Club Genesis, who said it's called sex. I don't know about that one, Lori. Sex can mean a lot of different things. Joey at the Dancin' Bare says it's making the two-backed monster, Mr. Nice says it's feeding the kitty. I wonder if his kitty gets enough to eat? Jeff at Taboo Video says it's copulation.

Still on the mission, I asked Jerry at the Magic what he called doin' it. He asked, "doin' what?" I says, "It. You know, sexual intercourse." So Jerry says (in all his Jerry wisdom), "I call sexual intercourse sexual intercourse. That's what it is." Oh!

But the classiest answer, as always, comes from Jim at Dream On. When I asked him what do you call doin' it, he said, "Making love, of course, and don't forget the 'of course''' Okay, Jim. But what I want to know is if your check was $100 short, would you feel that Alex fucked you or that he had made love to you? Huh?

And then there's Scot at Exotic, who said "I call it scroggin'." This one I didn't get. But I guess that's what sensitive, caring, artistic guys who like music, dining out, good wine, candle light, holding hands, and long walks on the beach call it!

And what do you call doin' it?

For personal reasons, I'm quittin' my job at Exotic. So, if anyone would like a great job where you get to cruise around to all these great clubs and stores in town and see beautiful women like Jill at Taboo Video or Tyler at X-otic Tan or any of the babes at Stars, please call the Exotic office.

April fools! If anyone thinks I'd give up this gig, they can just go do any of the things mentioned above to themselves, okay!

So, I guess Shara and Driver Dave are going to hire some thugs to beat the shit out of me because when I talked about Union Jacks I didn't mention her (what an idiot! She's gorgeous! How could I forget her?) and when I gave him that absolutely free plug and didn't ask for a thing in return, he still bitched because I forgot to put his phone number in. It's 920-7554. Sorry guys. Am I forgiven?

Message from DK: "Join the OBA today!"

Until whenever, I'm the Real John Henry and all that jazz. Call me if you wanna at (503) 604-8885.

(Afterthought) There's this one girl I know, I asked her what she calls doin' it. I was kinda looking forward to her answer, cause she's quick and I'd love to hear her talk that talk. But she says she doesn't call it anything, because she doesn't do it anymore. I tend to think this is because maybe she's had a lot of nowhere relationships in her life with guys who really didn't know what they had and wouldn't know what to do with it even if they did know. But I, probably more than anyone else she'll ever meet in her life, know exactly what she's talkin' about because some affairs just leave you feeling like you never wanna have nothing to do with anyone ever again. But I say, don't bag the whole thing completely, 'cause someday you might meet someone who'll bring about a change of heart and you'll want to do it again and you'll need to remember what you call it.