BREAST FREEDOM -- CANADIAN-STYLE
Topless women are not necessarily indecent in Ontario, Canada. So spake the three-member Court of Appeals recently, when it threw out a conviction against Gwen Jacobs, who had been accused of committing an indecent act when she removed her shirt and walked topless down a city street one hot summer’s day in 1991. The court concluded that Jacobs’ act had not involved a sexual connotation and therefore was not against the law. The decision delighted Canadian women’s groups and nudists. “It is my hope that, as women, we will reclaim control over the images of our bodies that have been entrenched in us from early childhood. Images that define roles in society, restricting our self-expression, our behavior, and our potential as human beings,” Jacob declared after her victory against the $55 fine.

DO THE KENNEDY’S HAVE THE DIRECTOR’S CUT?
Think you’ve seen every Marilyn Monroe flick at least twice? Think again. The French, famous for their erotic contributions to the world, recently made the kind of purchase only heard of in urban legends. A six-and-a-half-minute, grainy, black-and-white, silent porno film...starring a 21-year-old Norma Jean Mortenson...was purchased at a Paris flea market in 1977 for only a few dollars! The film will be shown at a festival of film and music memorabilia near Tarragona, Spain this month.

STAR WARS FONDLINGLY REMEMBERED
Remember Luke Skywalker’s lovable little robot companion, R2D2? Seems Kenny Baker, the British actor who worked inside of the tiny mechanical costume, kept some inspirational clippings inside the metal dome. Apparently Baker was able to whistle (and beep and whine) while he worked and kept himself “entertained” with clippings from Playboy Magazine. I’m sure they were just some of the fine editorial content Playboy is famous for.

IT DOESN’T PAY TO FUCK THE IRS
The streets are just a little safer today, thanks to the wisdom of the American justice system. Infamous Hollywood madam, Heidi Fleiss is now safely behind bars, thus ensuring that women may walk securely through even the darkest alley-way. Fleiss received a 37-month prison sentence for tax fraud and money laundering. That’s pretty good, given that she could have been jailed for up to 11 years. The scarlet woman’s father, Dr. Paul Fleiss, wasn’t amused by the fact none of his daughter’s male clients were prosecuted. Well, there’s a shock.

SODOMY -- BOY SCOUT STYLE
You have to be really fucking pure to be a Boy Scout these days. No fags, no atheists...only the cream of America’s boyhood engaging in healthy, wholesome physical activities. Two gradeschool Scouts (six and 10) were lured into a cabin at Camp Keowa in upstate New York recently for the chance to win a dollar in an arm wrestling match. What they got instead was a broomstick up the backside, courtesy of two 13-year-old Scouts. The young boy’s parents have filed a $72 million lawsuit against the Boy Scouts of America, claiming the organization failed to protect their children at the camp. One child was hospitalized for two weeks with internal injuries. But at least they haven't been exposed to anything un-American.

DISNEY'S PIRATES OF SALT PETER
How many children have been permanently scarred by Disneyland's rampant sexism and oppression of women? We're not talking about all the stupid, hopelessly Anglo princesses and fairies...it's the damn pirates! After 30 years of boozing and wenching, the Pirates of the Caribbean will become kinder and gentler to the tender sex. Instead of swilling rum and chasing scantily clad maidens in distress they will soon swill rum and chase women carrying trays of food. But fear not, one female mechanoid is also becoming more compassionate. A large woman, who once wielded a rolling pin and chased a man will soon drop her weapon and her harried mate will carry a ham. No news on whether Weight Watchers will begin offering diet services to the mechanical gluttons.