STONE-AGE SEXUALITY KINKIER THAN THOUGHT
Think prehistoric sex only consisted of bashing women on the noggin and doing "it" doggie style? Not so, according to archeologist Timothy Taylor. Masturbation, homosexuality, bestiality and transvesticism are nothing new, Taylor tells us in his new book The Prehistory of Sex. Examples? A 5,000-year-old Siberian rock engraving shows a man on skis trying to dork an elk, Black Sea Scythian nomads who became impotent due to constant horseback riding wore women's clothing. Early written records, Taylor claims, make mention of all our favorite kinks proving, he says, that sex has never been entirely for procreation. But, when viable sperm was found in Otzi the Iceman (dead these 5,000 years) Austrian women offered up their wombs for artificial insemination. Now that's kinky.

WHY, GRANDMA...YOUR WHIPS ARE SO BIG!
Betty Davis, a 60-year-old Santa Barbara, CA grandmother, fought the law and the law lost. Davis, clad in black tights, a black see-through blouse and high heels, reclaimed her impounded bondage gear from the Orange County Sheriff's Department evidence room. Her whips, chains, and other bondage toys were seized during a raid on her residential dungeon in February of '96 when Davis was arrested for investigation of soliciting prostitution after an undercover sheriff's deputy (who actually gets paid to do this shit) answered an ad in a bondage magazine. Prosecutors refused to charge her, due to lack of evidence. There had been an earlier investigation of the dungeon after a man, on a dog leash attached to a wall, died of a heart attack. The death was ruled accidental and no charges were filed. Tom Tanana, Davis' attorney, says that his client offered a therapeutic service which (much to the dismay of undercover cops) did not include sex. Davis is taking time off from work "to sit and look at" her returned toys.

SPERMICIDES FORM OF SEXUAL GAMBLING
Ever wondered which type of spermicide works best? Gel? Foam? Suppository? Film? Boy, they all sound great, don't they? Well, the FDA says there's no way to know which is best or how well any of them work, for that matter. Women who use spermicides as their only contraceptive run a 9 - 57% chance of getting pregnant within a year. How's that for odds? Because spermicides hit the market in 1950, before the FDA required proof that they work, manufacturers have never had to back up any claims of effectiveness. What can we do? Always use a condom with spermicides or else change birth control methods!

MICHEAL JACKSON WANT MORE BABIES...AND WILL PAY!
Debbie Rowe's womb is going to make her a fortune. While most women find that childbearing can interfere with their career...Rowe may well make it her career. Hubby, Micheal "no, really, I'm not a freak" Jackson has offered her a fat $2 million to bring three more tax deductions into his little fantasy world. The wunderkind of Neverland has even thoughtfully provided his E-Z-Bake Oven of Love a timetable for birthing: Experiment #2 will produce results in April and the couple will return to the lab the following October for Experiment #3. If the villagers haven't burned his castle down by then, the final spawning will occur 18 months later. No news on whether Jackson will also cover his bride's therapy for Post Traumatic Stress.

LIKE DANGEROUS WOMEN? LORENA WANTS YOU.
Lorena Bobbitt. Two words that make most men's testicles crawl inside their body and hide behind their kidneys. Seems sweet Lorena can't get a date these days. Can you imagine? Guys, she muses, don't seem to actually be afraid of her...but they can't deal with the teasing they'll get from their buds at the bar. Uhhhh...sure, Lorena, whatever you say. Just put down the potato peeler slowly. Meanwhile, limp-dicked porn novelty act and ex-hubster, John Wayne Wayne Bobbitt, is hearing bells in Las Vegas, where he's adding another Mrs. Bobbit to his doggie-style lifestyle.