This month's column has been an...adventure. My work computer, clearly possessed by the devil (or was it Bob Dole?) was unexpectedly called to wherever it is that naughty computers go when they die, forcing me to completely re-write everything. Of course I didn't have a paper copy...I was printing it when the dark angel appeared. (heavy sigh) In the words of my favorite Looney Toon character, Marvin the Martian, "Computers are so naughty and complex...I just want to pinch them!"

But enough of my problems...let's talk about yours. No more porch dances. Time to bundle up and head for the warm, comforting interior of your friendly neighborhood naked lady establishment. It's really just a form of charity, you know. Those poor, totally nude girls dancing around under those lights in an attempt to stay warm. You just gotta give 'em a dollar or two so they can buy a sweater or a pair of socks, right?

And, naturally, your thoughts will turn to love...or lust (in the flashing lights and after a couple cold ones they look a lot alike). What to do about it, though? You've read How To Pick Up Topless Dancers and discovered how to piss off every dancer in the city...now how do you actually get them to talk to you? Darklady feels your pain and has come to your rescue, of course.

Once again proving the value of a liberal arts education, I've teamed up with adult entertainer extraordinaire, Tyffany Million to bring you Tyffany Million's Guide To Meeting Exotic Dancers. It's long been time for a book that didn't treat dancers like total morons or customers like utter scumbags and I think this is that book. With the help of our dancer friends, we've put together a guide that's fun to read and makes good sense. With Christmas coming up you'll want to stock up so you'll be happy to know you can pick up a copy of the $15.95 book from BC Marketing, 4470 SW Hall Blvd., Suite 175, Beaverton, OR 97005. You can also get it on-line at batesc@teleport.com or by calling (503) 790-2103. So many ways to help me pay my heating bill and for you to get to wait in the parking lot for your favorite dancer to get off work and into your car. Isn't life great?

Speaking of great, I gotta thank the nice people at Portland's Microtech Systems (234 SE Grand) for accepting several hundred dollars from me while I upgraded my 486DX2/66 into the amazing Beast of the Apocalypse... a 150 mhz computer of nosebleed power. Quake just zooms on this baby! If it hadn't been for the excellent advice of the guys at Able Office Machines (3249 SE Division) I'd have missed out on the excitement of a Triton II motherboard. Can you imagine?

And, using the same lame literary technique twice, speaking of excitement, don't miss one of my favorite naked ladies, Danzine's Teresa at Umbra Penumbra during October and early November. She and the spank-meister, Ernest Truely, are presenting a two-person art show at 314 SW 9th Avenue. Teresa is treating us to a female art and video installation called Art For the Peephole and Ernest's merry autumn trick is a Naked Lady Collage. If you go on opening night you'll be extra arty-cool 'cuz it'll be a First Thursday and they'll wine you and nibbley bit you. This sounds like the perfect way to spend a nipply autumn evening while you're waiting for that special book to arrive in the mail, don'cha think?

Have a spooky-fun Halloween (my favorite holiday), don't drive drunk and I'll see you come national gluttony month.

This just in: Happy Birth-day Devon Conrad Nelson!