Seeing as how this is, like, the first one of my conspiracy columns, I thought that before I went into a detailed explanation of this month’s conspiracy I would outline a few opinions to let the public know where I stand on some things:

- Burgerville has the best milkshakes.

- The Oklahoma City bombing was done by the government or someone like the government.

- People spend more time watching the Prevue Channel than any other single channel.

- Rush Limbaugh sucks shit.

- Most Republican politicians are aliens sent to destroy the Earth.

- Cats are alien camcorders gathering all of the entertainment that is broadcast on their home planet.

- Priscilla Presley is actually Elvis after his sex change. (Don't think about this one too much!)

- Right socks are made of an unstable element.

- Any place you see "No Fear," you can just substitute "IQ" where it says "Fear"

Anyway, here's this month's conspiracy theory:

The HAARP (High-frequency Active Auroral Research Project) is actually a superweapon that the U.S. Government is fine-tuning in order to help their world domination schemes. I'm going to call it the HAARP Project, even though the P in HAARP stands for project. It just makes the sentences flow better. If this bothers you, calm the fuck down.

Now, the government says this deal is only for long range communications, that this ray gun thing is the only way they have to communicate with submarines. By the way, this guy I know tells me that he knows a guy who heard from a friend’s barber that they’ve taken submarines all the way under the Pacific Plate to Arizona. Serious.

Ok, what they use to make this HAARP thing work is called an ionospheric heater. It’s based on theories that Nicoli Tesla (look him up) gave to the world back in the early 20th century. He realized the power of his inventions and decided to share them with the world so no one nation could become so powerful that it could destroy all the other ones. He found that radio waves can be bounced off the ionosphere and come down about 200 times stronger. He tested it out and burned up a huge patch of land in Siberia. The government has been fine-tuning his theories and has figured out how to bounce different frequencies of waves off the ionosphere to use this HAARP deal to do all types of nasty shit.

The Shit: Supposedly, they can bounce a really slow wave off of the ionosphere and saturate the whole planet. The radio waves affect your brain and make you feel tired and listless. This could do one of two things: make a public with virtually no energy to stand up and fight or simply increase sales on Calgon bath soap dramatically. Luckily, the government found a way to block the waves. They make these little necklace deals and give them to people working on the HAARP Project to wear. They’ve also made it virtually impossible to buy chips that generate white noise (the main ingredient in making a jammer for these low frequency waves). They can knock out the power of a small town or an entire coastline with this little radio project thing. It can affect weather patterns and jam communications. The military’s new heater-toy could even be used to make a large explosion (nuclear size) without leaving any radiation or seriously harmful after-affects to the area.

Basically, this is one of the many cool Star Wars types of doomsday shit that the tax money we all avoid paying until we get caught goes to purchase.