Remember Frank Sinatra’s famed “duet” albums a year or two ago? Blue Eyes led us to believe that he had rerecorded all of his big hits with more famous young stars, when what actually took place was that someone like Bono or Cyndi Lauper just went into a studio 3,000 miles away and added vocal tracks to an existing recording.That’s kind of what my sex life has been like for a while. Oh, I’ve had sex with women all right (Ashlyn Gere, Jodie Foster, Thelma Lou on The Andy Griffith Show) it’s just that my partner and I were never in the same time zone when it happened.
Every once in a while, some “hip” publication will try to convince us that abstaining from sex is the new jet-set fad. I’m in the midst of my longest attack of this dreaded condition since puberty, and it’s starting to feel normal. I’m trying to use positive affirmations now, and here are 10 reasons why celibacy is cool:
1. Compared with having a sex life, cheating on your right hand has substantially fewer legal and monetary penalties.
2. If you’re celibate, you never have to make up some lame excuse along the “I’ve got a headache/I’m too tired” category.”
3. Celibate or not, everyone is having more sex than you. Not necessarily better, but more. No matter how satisfied you may be with your sex life, someone is always ready and waiting to describe how much more and better they’re getting it. At least when your score is a complete “zero,” you don’t feel any more depressed.
4. If the celibacy is self-imposed (and for a reason), you are admired by strangers and women “feel safe” around you. As long as you can keep it up (bad choice of words there), you will be told truly amazing shit you’d never hear otherwise.
5. Unused condoms are handy around the house. Keep several in the car for emergency repairs.
Okay, I give up; this is bullshit! Celibacy sucks, I admit it! Celibacy leads to violence. You never see some psychologist trying to analyze the latest mass murder on CNN saying, “You know Brenda, in cases like this, lots of good sex is usually an underlying factor. This is probably just another desperate cry for help from someone whose sexuality was being fully expressed and satisfied.”
You know who thinks celibacy is holy? Buddhist monks. The Dalai Lama is evidently one powerful dude, but how many times does he get invited to Jack Nicholson’s for tequila and cheerleaders? St. Paul was in favor of celibacy. Just ask your local diocese how much trouble that’s caused. Ever been to a Shaker church? The founders decided that God didn’t want men or women to have sex...ever! Know why there’re no Shakers now? `Cause they never got to make little baby Shakers. This is called burning your gene pool behind you.
When is celibacy a good thing? Evacuations during a fire and during the actual exchange of vows at a wedding. That’s it. “Plane crashes?” I hear you ask; best time of all. If you’re about to merge molecules with Mt. Ranier, do you want to spend your last seconds in this lifetime centering your chakras, trying to figure out how to turn your seat cushion into a snowboard, or doing it doggie-style with someone named Misty? Take as much time as you need to come up with your answer; I can wait. I’ll just be...well, never mind what I’ll be doing.