Last month, as you may recall, I shared a little about my experience being folded, spindled and mutilated in a small German car. I hadn’t expected the outpouring of sympathy and concern that I received from my readers. I was especially touched by a phone call (which came on a day I was out of the office, of course) from a young man who has spent the past six months learning the true meaning of “handicapped accessible.” Hopefully he has a lovely friend of his favorite gender who likes to lock his brakes now and again and, from a kneeling position, make him feel like he’s got the best seat in the house.

I was lucky, my stint in a wheelchair only lasted three months...I “should” have been in one longer but somebody had to cook, clean and get me in and out of the shower...and that somebody was me. I was very lucky, my injuries were primarily deep tissue, some surface nerve damage and multiple bone fractures...nothing long lasting except the groovy surgery scars. I’m on my own two feet again, though I do use a beautiful hardwood cane on occasions and I think I can foretell the Academy Awards winners based on aching in my shoulder. Five years have passed since I discovered that VW Bugs fly splendidly but land like shit. And five years have passed since I said those Five Little Words that complicate your life so much...and said them to the wrong man. Again, I’m lucky. I was in shock and didn’t know what I was doing. I get to plead temporary insanity. I suppose I should send my ex a nice card and let him know there’s no hard feelings. I came a across a set of cards recently that made me giggle a bit. My favorite BC Marketing card says “Brace yourself, Expect a call” (open card) “I wrote your name & number on the bathroom wall.” If you’ve got a special someone, too, you can order an assortment of really affirming (well, for you anyway) cards from 4470 SW Hall Boulevard, Suite 175, Beaverton, Oregon 97005.

There’s even a card for the office Romeo and the guy who just got that raise...maybe the one you wanted. Bastards. They deserve cards...that’ll show them all.

Speaking of people who deserve things (???), some of my dearest friends (they’re always the ones to watch out for) have convinced me that it would be a fantastic idea for me to travel to Amsterdam in November and videotape the 1996 Cannibus Cup and redlight area, creating a Sex and Potumentary which I would show to folks, write about and place on the Internet. Being the selfless journalist that you know and love, you can rest assured it would be an amazing story. But the snag, as usual, is cash. So I’m making this pathetic plea for Cannibus Cup donations. I don’t strip for a living or charge you $1.98 per minute to talk dirty, but I’m told I tell a good story. If you’re of a mind to help me tell a really good one, consider writing with your ideas about how you can help make it happen. For the final video cut, I would be happy to see all donors names or pseudonames listed in the credits.

Finally, since this month’s column seems to have become a glorified bulletin board for good causes, I’d like to encourage folks to support Danzine’s socially concerned Teresa in reaching out to women at risk.. By working with Outside In and Multnomah County Health, Danzine is hoping to provide condoms and clean needle services, and information to women working the streets. Volunteers and donations are needed. Write Danzine at 625 SW 10th # 233B, Portland, OR 97205 or call 248-3030 for details.

Join me next month to celebrate freedom, democracy, beer, hotdogs and fireworks. Maybe we’ll even talk about sex! Anything could happen.