Happy Holidays, Portland. All of us “proverts” here at Exotic magazine would like to take this time to wish every one of you everything you desire stuffed in your stockings and wrapped up under your trees. But we know that’s physically impossible now, isn’t it? Actually, you know goddamned well that a lot of you deserve nothing more than a lump of coal and a kick in the ass. But here in our own version of Sin City, being “nice” gets you nowhere; it’s all about the naughty. And that seems to be something we do quite well here. So forget about caroling on Xmas Eve and visions of sugarplums dancing in your head. We all know what you’d prefer to have dancing in (or should I say “on”) your head. And of course, living in Portland means you don’t have to look very far to find exactly that.
To start it off, the ULTIMATE event to celebrate this sinful season, Sunday, Dec. 17th, is at the all-new Myst, as Exotic magazine presents “xXx-mas” featuring Exotic Cover Girls, go-go dancers, sexy guest performers, DJs/ Dancing, and the highflying sexy burlesque troupe, Aerialistas. Visit www.myspace.com/xmag for invites, or take your chances and pay $10 at the door without.

IN THE CLUBS
Aces High has a butt-rock paradise in store for you this month as Indigo Spirits and Wild Child Magazine present LA Guns (the original lineup, even) with The Bullet Boys and Appetite for Deception @ 9:30 pm on Thursday, Dec. 17th. In addition, Aces is now serving Hawaiian-style dining courtesy of Noho’s Hawaiian Café, plus a free table dance (with coupon) on Fridays and Saturdays. Cabaret I and II will be ringing in the new at their 2007 New Year’s Party @ both clubs, featuring giveaways and extravagant theme shows. Have no fear, they’ll be open until 9pm on Xmas Eve and open @ 6pm on Xmas day. Stop by the all-new Carnaval and pay a visit to the house slave appearing at their Festival of Flesh. And over at The Dancin’ Bare, saddle up for the “Ride to the Run” @ 9am on Saturday, Dec. 2nd, plus a Christmas Party on Sunday, Dec. 24th, and they’ll wrap up the festivities with their “Strip in the New Year Party” on Sunday, Dec. 31st. The Dream On Saloon keeps it real with a daily Happy Hour at 6pm- 9pm featuring all draft pints (including micros) for $2. And you can check out their Christmas Bash on Saturday, Dec. 16th. Monday nights are Ladies’ Nights, (actually, seems like EVERY night is ladies’ night in a strip club, doesn’t it?), and for all you good ol’ boys and girls, Cowboy Thursdays are back! DV8 will be holding their Amateur Night Thurs., Dec. 7th, plus a “Badder Santa Party” on Sat., Dec. 16th, and if that’s not enough for you, check out the “Winter Solstice Party and Pole Contest” on Thurs., Dec. 21st. Over at Tommy’s III, drop on by for their Christmas Party on Saturday, Dec. 23rd, with a free Ham and Turkey Buffet, prize giveaways, and extra-special XXXmas surprises. Never to be outdone is Exotica, as they host their “Winter Freeze Party” on Saturday, Dec. 9th @ 9pm. This event will feature a Patron Ice Luge, stage performances, TATTOO Snowboard Giveaway, a chance to win all-day lift passes, complimentary food, and more prize giveaways all night long! Head on over to check out the all-new Hawthorne Strip (Formerly Dino’s Inn) featuring full bar, daily specials, and football on the big screen. The Pallas is now open @ 3pm Weds. through Sun. and @ 11:30am Thurs. through Sat., with free lunch on Thursday and Friday. Soobie’s also has you covered for the nooner action with lunch specials @ noon including $2.99 bento, 1/2 lb. burgers and wings, and domestic draft specials. Whether it’s the Winter Solstice, Chanukah, Kwanzaa, Christmas, or New Year’s, you can celebrate every holiday at Jody’s Bar & Grill. Don’t miss their Triple Threat Wednesdays or Sundays with mini 9-ball, 8-ball, and 9-ball tournaments w/cash prizes plus a Taco Bar every Thursday starting @ 11am. Heading south for the winter? Be sure to stop into the Last Chance Saloon in Gervais just north of Salem and be sure not to miss the Biggest New Year’s Eve Party in Oregon at Stars Salem, now taking reservations for singles and couples. Bob’s Adult Books is now expanding with Romeo’s VIP Club, a new juice bar right upstairs featuring the finest ladies in the valley. 18 & up, $10 cover, and the ladies always get in free.

ELSEWHERE
503girls.com is now hiring nude models and webcam performers. Dancers looking for a change can check out what the Great White North has to offer at Crazy Horse Dancers. And if any dancers are looking for a new ride, they should look up Austin’s Autos, where they offer special financing packages just for entertainers. For special holiday gift ideas, B. A. Video has all-new bestiality DVDs straight from the Netherlands just in time for Christmas. (Yeah, I know that as soon as I finish trimming the tree, I like to cozy up in front of an open fire and pop in some bestiality flick—it just wouldn’t seem like Christmas without it!) And you can now decorate your own flesh at Exotic Nights Books, where they feature the best body jewelry prices in town! Looking to find someone to poke some holes in ya to put that jewelry? Stop by Straight To The Point Body Piercing. And for the gift that leaves you tingling, pick yourself up the InnerVibe sensual vibrating ring with special pricing for the ladies. That’s it, my friends. Enjoy your holiday, stay safe, and remember, the liver is evil and must be punished, so don’t drive…DRINK!