So you think you’ve done some dirty shit in your
time? Well, take this test and see how your kinky side stacks up against some of Exotic/Underground’s more notorious sluts. Read each question. Check all boxes for which your answer is yes. All technicalities count.
Section 1 (The Boring Stuff):
Have you ever...
� 1. been sexually aroused?
� 2. had a dream about sex?
� 3. had an orgasm?
� 4. kissed someone?
� 5. French-kissed someone?
� 6. kissed someone other than on the lips?
� 7. slept with someone without fucking them?
� 8. had a date past 1 a.m.?
� 9. had a date Friday, Saturday, and Sunday of the
same weekend?
� 10. kissed someone while you were in the horizontal position?
� 11. kissed someone on the first date?
� 12. stuck your tongue in someone’s ear?
� 13. made out continuously for more than 15 minutes?
� 14. made out continuously for more than two hours?
� 15. given someone a hickey?
� 16. petted below the
shoulders?
� 17. slow-danced?
� 18. had you or your
partner have an orgasm
while making out?
� 19. exaggerated about
your sexual experience?
� 20. gone out with only
one person for a while?
� 21. gone swimming
with someone in the nude?
� 22. bathed or showered with someone?
� 23. stuffed a bra or pants?
� 24. picked someone up, or let someone pick you up?
Section 2 (Mostly Petting):
Have you ever been on either end of...
� 25. fondling a woman’s covered breast (not as a baby)?
� 26. fondling a woman’s bare breast (not as a baby)?
� 27. pinching someone’s bare breast?
� 28. sucking a woman’s nipple (not as a
baby)?
� 29. fondling someone’s covered
genitals?
� 30. fondling someone’s bare genitals?
� 31. fondling someone’s covered genitals
on the first date?
� 32. fondling someone’s bare genitals
on the first date?
� 33. pinching or patting the buttocks of
a member of the opposite sex?
Section 3: (Getting Better)
Have you ever...
� 34. gone through the motions of
sexual intercourse while fully clothed
(dry-humping)?
� 35. dry-humped on the
first date?
� 36. seen someone completely nude?
� 37. been seen completely nude by someone?
� 38. been with someone while both of you were
completely nude?
� 39. told someone you loved them when you did
not?
� 40. had two dates with two different people on the
same night?
� 41. gone steady with two different people at the same
time?
� 42. ...without either of them knowing?
� 43. ...with one or both of them knowing?
� 44. told or listened to dirty jokes in mixed company?
� 45. read pornographic literature?
� 46. bought pornographic literature?
� 47. bought sexual toys?
� 48. seen a pornographic movie?
� 49. gone to a strip club or topless show?
� 50. exposed yourself in public?
� 51. played strip poker (or any other such
activity)?
� 52. masturbated?
� 53. ...with a foreign object?
� 54. ...where you could have been discovered?
� 55. ...while someone was watching?
� 56. ...at least once a week for more than 3 months?
� 57. ...at least once a day for more than 1 month?
� 58. discussed masturbation in private?
� 59. discussed masturbation in mixed
company?
Section 4 (Rebellion):
Have you ever...
� 60. been arrested?
� 61. been convicted of a felony?
� 62. smoked a cigarette, cigar, or pipe
(tobacco only)?
� 63. smoked or eaten marijuana?
� 64. had an alcoholic drink?
� 65. been intoxicated?
� 66. vomited due to excessive consumption of alcohol?
� 67. passed out due to excessive consumption of alcohol?
� 68. completely forgotten what happened while you
were drunk?
� 69. bought any illegal drugs?
� 70. sold any illegal drugs?
� 71. taken stimulants?
� 72. taken depressants or painkillers?
� 73. inhaled nitrous oxide?
� 74. sniffed glue, magic markers,
or anything containing butyl nitrate?
� 75. taken any opiate in any
form?
� 76. used cocaine?
� 77. injected any drug into your
veins?
� 78. taken pcp?
� 79. done any of the above 4
more than once?
� 80. tripped (taken lsd or
psilocybin or peyote)?
� 81. tripped more than once?
� 82. tripped more than 5 times?
� 83. tripped more than 10 times?
� 84. had sex while tripping?
Section 5 (the “Straight” Stuff):
All the questions in this section are about things
you have done with people of the OPPOSITE sex as you. Even if you are gay, some of this stuff may
apply to you.
Have you ever...
� 85. been propositioned
by someone?
� 86. propositioned
someone?
� 87. given a back rub
with ulterior motives?
� 88. fondled someone who was
asleep?
� 89. fondled someone while
you were asleep?
� 90. lied to someone in order to
seduce them?
� 91. contracted mononucleosis?
� 92. performed oral sex on
someone?
� 93. had oral sex performed on you?
� 94. sixty-nine’d?
� 95. performed mutual masturbation?
� 96. maneuvered someone into bed somewhat against
their will?
� 97. had someone maneuver you into bed somewhat
against your will?
� 98. successfully used any drug to lower their inhibitions?
� 99. had someone use any drug to lower your inhibitions?
� 100. had sexual intercourse?
� 101. had sex without birth control?
� 102. had sex with a virgin (not yourself)?
� 103. had sex with more than one virgin?
� 104. had sex in a room other than a bedroom?
� 105. had sex on the floor?
� 106. had sex in a car?
� 107. had sex doggy-style?
� 108. had sex on both top and bottom?
� 109. had sex sitting up?
� 110. had anal sex?
� 111. had sex in any position other than those
mentioned above?
� 112. had sex on the first date?
� 113. had sex with more than one person?
� 114. had sex with more than 5 people?
� 115. had sex with more than 10 people?
� 116. had sex more than 10 times with the same person
(no time limit)?
� 117. had sex more than once in the same 24-hour period?
� 118. had sex more than 5 times in the same 24-hour period?
� 119. had sex more than 10 times in the same 24-hour
period?
� 120. had sex with someone of a different race?
� 121. had sex with more than one person in 24 hours?
� 122. had sex while someone was watching?
� 123. had sex out of doors?
� 124. had sex in a place where you could be discovered?
� 125. been discovered?
� 126. had sex for money, or paid for sex yourself?
� 127. had sex for some favor, or given some favor for sex?
� 128. had sex with someone more than 5 years older or
younger than you?
� 129. had sex with someone more than 10 years older
or younger than you?
� 130. been in a ménage à trois?
� 131. had someone purposely ejaculate on you?
� 132. thought you might be or caused someone to be
pregnant?
� 133. been or caused someone to be pregnant?
� 134. had (or still have) venereal disease?
� 135. transmitted a venereal disease?
� 136. participated in a gang bang?
� 137. been involved in committing statutory
rape (sex with a minor)?
� 138. willingly committed incest?
� 139. been involved in the committing of
adultery?
Section 6 (the “Gay” Stuff):
Everything in this section is about things you
have done with people of the SAME sex as
you. Even if you’re not gay, some of this stuff
may apply to you.
Have you ever...
� 140. held hands or otherwise displayed affection in public?
� 141. kissed someone?
� 142. fondled someone’s covered genitals?
� 143. fondled someone’s bare genitals?
� 144. had your covered genitals fondled?
� 145. had your bare genitals fondled?
� 146. been propositioned?
� 147. propositioned someone?
� 148. attempted to seduce someone?
� 149. had oral sex performed on you?
� 150. performed oral sex on someone?
� 151. had intercourse (went all the way) with someone of the same sex?
Section 7: (Kinky Stuff)
Have you ever...
� 152. used food to masturbate?
� 153. used a feather?
� 154. used ropes, chains, cuffs, or
any other type of bondage device?
� 155. used a whip or something
similar for pain?
� 156. fist-fucked?
� 157. used a bowling pin, bottle, or
similar object as a sex toy?
� 158. performed oral sex after intercourse (without
washing)?
� 159. inflicted pain or had pain inflicted during sex?
� 160. drawn blood or had blood drawn by biting?
� 161. been involved in cunnilingus during a woman’s
period?
� 162. licked someone’s anus?
� 163. licked someone’s anus while they were defecating?
� 164. tasted your partner’s orgasmic secretions?
� 165. drank someone’s urine (including your own)?
� 166. drank [human] blood?
� 167. put your hand in your mouth after masturbating?
� 168. had oral sex in a moving car?
� 169. gotten oral sex from someone with braces?
� 170. had intercourse in a moving car?
� 171. had intercourse while driving?
� 172. licked your partner’s feet or had your feet licked?
� 173. been involved in oxygen deprivation for sexual
enhancement?
� 174. performed oral sex on an animal?
� 175. had oral sex performed on you by an animal?
� 176. had intercourse with an animal?
� 177. played an instrument, talked on the phone,
watched TV, etc., while having sex?
� 178. made tapes (audio or video) of yourself having sex?
� 179. been involved in nude picture-taking?
� 180. been in a professional porn movie or magazine?
� 181. been involved in group sex (four or more)?
� 182. been involved in bisexual group sex?
� 183. been in a group of more than ten people having sex?
� 184. had sex with two people related to each other
(mother & daughter, sisters, etc.) at different times?
� 185. had sex with two people related to each other at
the same time?
� 186. been involved in double-penetration?
� 187. had sex in a church or other place of religion?
� 188. been in a 69 circle?
� 189. had sex in/under water
(including shower or bath)?
� 190. masturbated while making
or receiving an obscene
phone call?
� 191. had sex nonstop for
over 30 minutes?
� 192. had sex nonstop for
over an hour?
� 193. had sex nonstop for
over three hours?
� 194. had more than one
orgasm during sex?
� 195. had more than three?
� 196. given more than one orgasm during a session of sex?
� 197. given more than three orgasms during a session
of sex?
� 198. disturbed any other person by making noise
during sex?
� 199. used ben-wa balls?
� 200. had sex with someone whose name you did not know?
Scoring: Add up all the boxes that you checked. That’s your score. Then take that number and divide it in half (round upward). Your next number is your impurity percentage. (Example: Alexi has led a boring
life and only checked 40 boxes, for a score of 40. He then divides 40 in half, to get 20. So Alexi’s impurity score is a pathetic 20%. Alexi also probably
listens to Morissey and gets beat up
by 3rd-graders.So you’re wondering what kind of person you are once you rack up those naughty
points? Well, first of all, if you’re reading this magazine, there’s obviously something a little off about you. But just to help you rank your depravity, we’ve gone ahead and given you the results of all the sick, horny, and sexually obsessed individuals who bring you Exoticand Exotic Underground magazines. 0% - 49% ... Seriously, reading this magazine isn’t going to help you. Buy a hooker, join a monastery, or donate your genitals to someone who would actually know what to do with them.
50% - 65% ... Two of our anchors in the production/
design team of our Portland office
both placed in here. Now maybe there is a connection here. Get off your computer,
hit a nude beach, or hit the dance club with a tab of E or something. Get busy; there might still be hope for you yet.
66% - 74% ... Believe it or not, this is approximately
where the average Jane or Joe would fall. You
like to get your freak on, but when it comes to kink,
you’re probably thinking you’re living on the wild side
when you fondle your partner in a dark movie theater. What is rather amusing about this, is that here at inter-state porn central, Mike Rhine (Underground photographer),
Adam (Exotic Sales Manager), and Mariah
(Exotic Escort Section Controller) all scored in this
“socially acceptable” range. And you call yourselves
pornographers?! Come on now, maybe you should take the test again, read the questions carefully, and be HONEST this time. It’s not like we’re going to put it in print or anything!
75% - 80% ... OK, now we’re getting into the freak
sector. Only one of the PDX team ranked this high—our fearless leader Bryan. And in the best interest of getting paid, it’s probably a good idea not to say anything more. But when it comes to the twisted babes of Underground, Aeryn and BlackDove (Editorial Contributors), it just goes to show ya that even though PDX is the sex-industry capital of the USA, it seems like up in Seattle, they take their “work” home with them. As Aeryn says in her defense, “Yeah, I got 76%, fuck you, I sold porn for four years, and we got bored. And anyone who scored over 94% is a sick fuckin’ bastard. That means they would have HAD to have hadeither sex with a relative, been defecated on, had ananal gang bang, or loved more animals than PETA.”
81% - 90% ... Yep, now we’re talking. Head to
confession, because these are the truepornographers,rock stars, and definitely not the type you bring hometo meet the parents. Rich Evans (Editorial Contributor) racked up 84%, though he claims he lost a lot of points in the tripping, gay, and animal-fucking departments.
“No poop-eating or red wings for me! I guess
I’m just an old-fashioned boy at heart. Then again, the best thing I’ve ever felt in my life was tit-fucking a chick with natural double D’s while she tossed my
salad.” Next up was Underground photographer
Hypnox with a score of 86%. (Check out his website,
you’ll get a pretty good idea how he got there.) And
last in this range was Exotic Underground publisher
and editor John Voge, who banged out an 87%.
90%-100% ... As Aeryn said before, this is where
you seriously gotta ask yourself whether there’s anything you won’t stick your dick in (or have stuck in
you). If you’re in the deepest percentage, you probably have no boundaries whatsoever when it comes to all things sexual. You’re one step away from being put in jail due to your sexual desires. (And if this test had gotten any more scandalous, who knows how shocking your dark side might be?) So you’re probably wondering which of our team gets the Golden Dildo for the shocking Impurity Percentage Score of 95%. Who else but Mr. Sex Life Live himself, Dane Ballard? If you’re sharing your score placement with this guy, you might need to makean appointment for some sexual counseling with Dane. Just don’t forget to bring four or five
friends with you, a cucumber, your pet ferret, your
mom, and some Valium
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