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"Can we, as a country, all
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xmag.com
: October 2006 :The Devil's Owned
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Ever hear or see a band that you just know
the Devil himself would throw horns at?
Have you ever seen a band with more
evil and depravity than a Kathy Lee Gifford
sweatshop? You know the groups, the ones
that sweat blood out of their corneas and eat a bowl of nails
for breakfast WITHOUT ANY MILK. The following ten bands,
groups, minions of Beelzebub, or individuals have been chosen
for just that. Whether they rock, shock, or make Tibetan
monks grow hair so they can head-bang, these blasphemous
bastards take the innocence in life and pound it into a fine
white powder for us to inject into our devious veins.
10. LORDI
I don’t know if I can say much about these guys that
can’t be seen in a photograph. Hailing from Finland,
these four crazy bastards and one psychopathic bitch
have taken Europe by storm. They’ve won countless
awards, including Best Pop
Song in Europe’s version of
the Grammys, are often
MC’ed by Dee Snyder, and
even have former KISS axeman
Bruce Kulick featured on
their latest CD. With such
lyrics as “The devil is my
bitch,” I bet these guys could throw down with a hefty
S&M session with ol’ Lucifer. Their sound is hardcore
butt-rock, and their feel is hardcore ass-kick. Expect to
see more of these abominations around, I hardly doubt
you could miss them. www.myspace.com/thelordi.
Check out their videos, I think I’m still laughing, except
this time, blood came out of my nose instead of milk.
9. MARILYN
MANSON
Love him or hate him,
this lyrical monster is
a fucking genius. As
intelligent as he is
scary, Marilyn Manson
reinvented the standards for free speech in music and
has taken a constant bashing from both the media
and angry grandmas on the bus. It’s not just that he
was a long-time friend and colleague of
Anton Szandor LaVey (the leader of the
Church of Satan) or that he’s married
to one of the hottest gothic pieces of
ass, Dita Von Teese. It’s that he continues
to have something outrageous
and amazing to say, as soon as you
start listening and stop staring at
his seemingly vacant eyeball.
8. GWAR
I’ve always wondered what it
would be like to be the decaying
aborted fetuses of hell’s prostitutes,
and if I ever get the chance to meet Gwar,
I’ll have to ask them. It’s not just the outlandish
costumes, blood, disembodiments and dismemberments—
it’s the show these guys put
on and the presence they project. I don’t
know what you’d call it, but it’s entertaining
as hell. Who could forget
the scene in Empire Records
where an employee eats pot
brownies and visualized being
eaten onstage by a phallic-looking
drooling tube with teeth?
Gwar is what happens when
parents do PCP before making
Halloween costumes.
7. BARBRA STREISAND
Maybe it’s the voice…you know, that screeching nasal
appendage that tears through your lower intestine and
kinda makes you want to punch small children in the
face. God forbid should there be a day-care center
around, because
those kids are
FUCKED. Alas, Satan
loves Babs and her
reverse rhinoplasty.
She’s been feeding
off of divorced, widowed,
fat-ass 50-
year-olds—giving
them false hope in
hard times, and
Satan loves deception. Somebody please take this
bitch out with a 12-gauge.
6. ROB ZOMBIE
The man, the director, the originator of some of the
best intros in musical history,
Rob Zombie has been playing
Texas Hold ’Em with the devil
since White Zombie, and he’s
been writing, directing and
scoring some of the most outstanding
cult films in history.
His creation of some of the
most notorious characters in
the horror genre has been a
perfect complement to his
by AERYN
MARTIN
exotic magazine - august | 19
music and personal character. With grainy black-andwhite
videos like that of “Living Dead Girl” and songs
such as “Pussy Liquor,” Mr. Zombie takes the cake in
classic horror brought to life. As he so eloquently put
it, “All you need in life is monsters and hot girls. So
long as those hot girls are holding a six-pack and a
pack of Lucky’s.”
6.66 KEITH
RICHARDS
I would love to say a few
words about rock ’n’ roll’s
holder of the most liver damage
cause by an intoxicating
substance, but he already sold
his soul and all copyright laws
about his name and/or music
to Satan for a teener...thirteen
times.
5. MESHUGGAH
The Yiddish word ’Meshuggah’ translates into ’crazy’
in English, and these vile fuckers are just that. They’re
an experimental group from Sweden, and I wouldn’t
be surprised if they coated their crepes in blood. I
could go on and on
about this group, and
it’d be useless unless
you’ve seen them live. If
you’re looking for a similar
effect, just superglue
some razor blades onto
a Q-tip and start digging
into your eardrum.
4. SLAYER
SLAYER!! SLAYER!! MOTHERFUCKING SLAYER!!! I don’t
know of a single spike-toting, tattoo-sporting, beerconsuming
metalhead who doesn’t idolize this musically
immortal group. I
don’t think I’ve gone
to a single metal
show where I haven’t
seen about a hundred
of those little inverted
pentagram patches
slapped on the
leather of Seattle’s
finest moshers. Slayer
dominates in talent
and dropkicks
onstage. Hell-bent on making you leave a show with
battle scars from the pit, Slayer is the background
music to hell’s ritualistic...errr...slayings.
3. CRADLE OF FILTH
If there is ever a “Best Band T-shirt” award, these guys
would win it. I don’t know if they’re Goth, metal,
death-metal, or rock, but with songs such as “Lord
Abortion,” what’s not to
adore about these
spooky spooks of
spookiness? They’ve
been flyin’ around the
world on the wings of the devil, and it dosen’t look
like these patrons of face paint will be crashing anytime
soon.
2. NINE INCH NAILS
The Devil (and I) would love to fuck you in the back of
your car, Trent, and god is dead—but I didn’t care until
I heard Heresy. Industrial super-group NIN is without
a doubt a landmark in hardcore. They house more
angst than Gay Pride Day at a
Catholic church and channel it
into some of the most powerful
music this century has ever
heard. NIN reinvented the
mosh pit, and every time
someone plays Pretty Hate
Machine from start to finish,
an emo kid dies. It’s a beautiful
thing.
1. OZZY OSBOURNE
Now, I could have picked KISS
to be number one. I love KISS
and any group that totes the
alleged nickname ’Knights In Satan’s Service’ is a
badass in my book, not to mention Gene Simmons,
AKA the tongue that
launched a thousand
orgasms, but after seeing
Paul Stanley in his Richard
Simmons tights in the
“Heaven’s on Fire” video, I
had to surrender the sacred
spot to someone more
deserving: the Ozzman. I
think that biting the heads
off of animals, snorting
trails of ants, and breeding
little shitheads like Kelly
and Jack Osbourne truly
makes you a pen pal of
Lucifer. This sinister son of
a bitch set the standards
for metal and deviance
alike, so he gets number
fucking one. Deal with it.
(Publisher’s Note: It seems like every time we do a top
ten, I get a flood of emails, comments, or drunken
accusations that our list was off the mark, or that we
forgot the most notorious member that should have
been a part of said list. The fact is, Aeryn wrote this,
she’s in charge and you’re not, so as she said…deal
with it. I myself disagree with some names that either
were not mentioned, or mentioned at all, but if it was
that big a deal to me, I guess I would have written the
fucking thing myself, now wouldn’t I? But since I am
the publisher, I get to complain right here if need be,
and my biggest issue with her contribution is Lordi
being number 10. I actually forced her to include these
guys in the first place…but #10! Jesus, woman, and
Trent Reznor is #2! Reznor lost his edge years ago,
now he’s slipped into a, dare I say…emo state of popinfested
diarrhea. If Satan ever did have a bid on
Reznor’s soul, I think he traded it for someone with
more balls by now, like Pat Boone.) |
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