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"Can we, as a country, all
agree
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xmag.com
: August 2006 :Fingerbang City
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Population
2 Sexy Gangsta Rappers
MAYOR
Captain FingerBang
LANGUAGE
Ebonics
RELIGION
FingerBang-tology
ETHNICITY
99.2% Caucasian
LITERACY
None
CLIMATE
Hot, Hot, Hot.
NATURAL RESOURCES
Tits and Ass.
IMPORTS
Giant dongs, malt liquor, snacks.
EXPORT
Mad rhymes and big pimpin’.
NATIONAL BIRD
Cock-a-two |
Background
With instant rap classics such as
“Show Us Your Penis” and “Pussy Go Meow,” FINGER BANG CITY has become the
biggest deal in Portland since gold teef.
But enough about the music, let’s get
to the sexy bitches…
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| MEET THE PIONEERS OF FINGER BANG CITY |
MUTHA SUPERIOR’s got more notches on her belt than Robert Downey Jr. has DUIs. Wearing sunglasses since the day Sister Francis found her abandoned in a car seat on the step of St. Mary’s School for Disenfranchised Girls, this little minx is hot to trot and sly like a fox. Spending a majority of her youth in the back seat of sedans left Mutha with the innate ability to identify automobile makes and models by a quick glance at a car’s ceiling. With one ex-
husband in the bag, she’s on the prowl for the next Mr. Wrong. She’s nailed the entire cast of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy (except for the straight guy). This rhyming queen and dance machine maintains her figure with a diet of champagne, cigarettes, and corn dogs. But Mutha Superior’s more than just a pretty face and a hot piece of ass; her rapier wit delivers a precision-guided destruction of ego and self-delusion. Watch out for this little kitten, she’ll steal your TiVo and your heart. |
Now this is a story all about how his life got  flipped, turned upside-down, we’d like to take a minute, just sit real pretty, we’ll tell you how he became the Mayor of Finger Bang City.
A high-school dropout with a nose
for trouble and a bod for sin,
CAPTAIN FINGERBANG
bought his first schooner at 16. He’s been sailing the high seas looking for skank booty ever since. When he’s not slapping the bitches and jocking the hoes, he can be found combing his ’stache while watching Indiana Jones for the eight thousandth time. This homeboy keeps it real with Casio beats and Miami Vice heat. “Ooh, Captain FingerBang…I heard he got a big
ol’ wang.” |
Don’t let SLOPPY BISCUIT’s 4’11” frame throw  you. Size only matters when you’re
talking about man-crotch. Her love of gangsta rap music started early in life. Adopted by Bobby Brown’s second cousin—Robby Brown—she was bottle-fed Night Train until the age of 10, when she was given her first pair of stilettos and a padded training bra for Kwanzaa. By 13, she was writing raps for her Uncle Bobby
whenever his manager couldn’t wake him up. A self-proclaimed “saltine cracka with a size B cup,” Sloppy B. now has more ba-dunk than Beyoncé and more passion than Puffy. Bi-city, you can find her rack bouncing back and forth from Seattle to Portland in hot pants, hot pink lipstick and her bra stuffed with C-notes. Legend has it that Sloppy is the original LA face with an Oakland booty. Unfortunately, when the fluorescent lights go off, the sunglasses stay on. With hair that defies gravity and a penchant for high kicks and jazz hands, she accepts fan mail in the form of Champagne, cartons of Virginia Slims, and Cheetos. |
FINGER BANG CITY
have got their iCals packed with an upcoming east  coast tour, music videos, and an iTunes EP.
But you can catch their hyper-sexed jams
at Berbati’s Pan on Saturday, August 26th, for
Exotic magazine’s 13th Anniversary Party.
Their hustle and flow is sure to make you bust a nut. |
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| © 2006 Xmag, LLC. All rights reserved. copyright | trademark | legal notices |
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