WHAT’S INSIDE A STRIPPER’S MIND?
Did you ever wonder what your favorite dancer might be thinking as she stares seductively into your eyes, as she slowly peels out of her clothes in front of you? Does she want me? Is she as hot for me as I think she is? Could I possibly score with this woman? Well, hate to break it to ya, dudes. The following is a list compiled of “secret thoughts” from actual strippers. Now bear in mind, this list was compiled in California clubs, so maybe those vixens down south are just downright meaner than the lovely ladies of Portland—at least, we’ll have to hope so.

1) Hey you over there, holding that one-dollar bill in your hand with a death grip and waving it around at me like it’s the fucking deed to Trump Towers...what the fuck do you want me to do, grow another pussy?!? It’s a fuckin’ dollar, put it down on the tip rail and blow my world away already.
2) You losers that come into the club for a lapdance with NO underwear or boxers and thin-ass, nylon shorts, so we slip and slide on your hard-on (which always feel like a sharpie pen—fine point)...fuck you.
3) Don’t pull my thong up during a dance and ask me if it felt good. IT DOES NOT FEEL GOOD.
4) Yeah, my tits are real. As real as my affection for you.
5) If you cum in your pants, you have to tip me an extra $100 for being a lame-ass who can cum in their pants from a lapdance.
6) Stop asking me out. You’re a smelly, fat loser and the only reason I’m smiling and cooing at you is because I want your money. Outside of the club I wouldn’t even fart in your general direction.
7) Stop bitching at me about the goddamn two-drink minimum. First of all, your breath is rank (what’d you have for dinner, garlic and shit?), you’re about 172 lbs. overweight, and you look like Jay Leno. More importantly: I don’t give a shit.
8) My horniness is in direct proportion to your income.
9) Boys, don’t sit in the front row with your “homies” and act all engrossed in some deep conversation during a girl’s performance because you want to look like you’re too “cool” to notice the hot, naked girl in front of you. It’s a clear sign that you ain’t getting any.
10) DON’T SIT IN THE FRONT ROW IF YOU ARE NOT GOING TO TIP. Fer chrissakes!!!!!!!!!!!
11) “So what do you guys do when you’re on your period?” Answer: I lap-dance for guys wearing light-colored pants.
12) I had a feeling you weren’t going to tip me, so I took extra care to rub my lip gloss on your collar and wear extra glitter lotion and obnoxious perfume before our dance.
13) Stop asking me why I do this job and try to get all psychologically analytical on me. You don’t need to save me! It’s for the money, you moron, that’s why.
14) No seriously, my real name is Sparkle.
15) NO, I will not take a dime sack for payment. I can tell it’s oregano anyway, you stupid motherfucker!
16) Sorry, I don’t do that. Ask the ugly girl at the bar with the black roots and overbite.
17) It is not okay for you to bounce me on your cock like a baby on your knee. Not okay.
18) Stop complaining about how short the song was. It felt like fucking Inagaddavida to me.
19) Yes I will fuck you, but only for 10 grand. More if you’re ugly. So basically, more.
20­­) DO NOT come into the club looking for a girlfriend/date. It’s like me going to PETA looking for a steak.