The Great Barrier Reef is said to be so big, you can see it from outer space. Running along Australia’s northeastern coast, it teems and burbles and fairly belches forth with a swirlingly pristine psychedelic explosion of aquatic life. But as with all things in this miserable existence, there is a dark and horrifying side. Happy snorkelers are caught unawares, with tragic and often fatal results. As they blissfully flap their rubber feet around in clear sunlit water, they forget that somewhere amid the far-off greenish murk, way out yonder beyond the pretty pink coral and smiling yellow fish, there lurk
big sharks with large teeth and bad attitudes and shady intentions. Ill-willed sharks. Sharks who don’t like people so much. The Reef, world-renowned for its mean-spirited killer sharks, is also referred to as the “World’s Largest Living Organism,” so it makes sense that the sandy Australian coast nearby would host the “World’s Largest Strip Club Catering to Men With a Shark-Bite Fetish”…perhaps the ONLY strip club catering to this fetish...but definitely “the best!” Sharkee’s Gentlemen’s Club, founded in 2002, sits nestled near orange-colored beaches and windswept blue waters about 10 kilometers south of the city of Cairns, celebrated worldwide for inventing the Cairn Terrier.
The proud and beautiful girls who dance at Sharkee’s come in all sizes, shapes, and most races (there’s even an aborigine who comes in on weekends), but they all sip from the bitter cup of a tragic legacy which they’ve worked to their advantage—they’ve all been attacked by sharks and have survived. Some of the girls were lucky enough to escape with severe scars and mild disfigurement. Others
suffered amputation of one or more limbs. And the more severely they’re maimed, the more the men seem to like it. Lavishly decked-out in maritime themes and sea-tragedy memorabilia, Sharkee’s boasts a swank menu featuring grilled shark steaks and a drink called “The Hammerhead.” They even host an Annual Naked Boat Party and Underwater Dive which heads out into the thick of the Reef. Every year, the Party’s highlight is when
a naked menstruating stripper is lowered into
the shark cage. Sharkee’s is owned by Salty Jack Cheddars, an ex-wombat poacher and National Boomerang Champion. As a legless stripper spins atop a small brass pole which juts up from the stage floor and is mounted deep into her vagina, Cheddars throws a shrimp on the barbie and says his dream is to install a live shark tank onstage. Although he’s faced scathing criticism from numerous Aussie women’s groups, Cheddars says he’s “fair” to the girls and will not employ any dancers with fresh bite wounds.
“Jack’s fair to the girls,” says a curvaceously lovely young thing who refers to herself as The Guppy and says she’s been dancing at Sharkee’s since its inception. The Guppy, 27, says she was savagely attacked by a bull shark during a class trip eleven years ago, causing severe scarring on one leg. “Jack’s not the problem,” The Guppy tells me, “it’s the other girls and the stupid customers.” She says there is a deep rift between the girls who merely have scars and those whose injuries required amputation, mainly because the amputees garner consistently larger tips. “It hurt a LOT when that shark bit me,” The Guppy says, “but not as bad as when guys sit at the rack and don’t tip me.”
“You wouldn’t believe how many guys enjoy looking at naked women who’ve been bitten by sharks,” says Dingo Bill, a perpetually drunk and sunburned Sharkee’s regular who keeps one eye on me and one on the quadriplegic dancer who crawls across the stage like an inchworm. “A shark bite is the ultimate body modification. I can achieve an erection merely at the thought of a shark biting a woman. There—I just did.”

SHARKEE’S GENTLEMEN’S CLUB…Reasonably Priced Package Tours Available from the US to Australia, Including Airfare, Hotel, Drink Tickets, Snorkels, and Admission to the Annual Naked Boat Party and Underwater Dive. For more information, contact jg@jimgoad.net.