It’s February. Let’s pretend for a second that I’m a typical single woman affected by the prospect of another lame-ass Valentine’s Day, and I’m looking to get laid some time around the 14th. So as I’m surfing the Web, I decide to follow one of those obnoxiously over-advertised links to MSN.com, and suddenly, there it is. An article titled “9 Pick-Up Lines for Women,” where they ask the question, “Are you afraid of appearing over-eager or even desperate if you approach a man?” (Objection, your honor—leading the witness!) Wow. As I read these dating tips from MSN, I find them to be lacking at best, insulting at face value.
Thankfully, they start by giving us permission to be forward with men by explaining that “If the move is tactful and genuine, you won’t come off as loose or frantic—or a stalker.” Whew, let me tell you, that is good news, because I was on the verge of becoming a lonely spinster, so inadequate in my flirting techniques am I.
Following is their list, explaining to millions of women how to snag Mr. Right. While they do give us the earth-shattering news that it’s OK to “simply say what you feel,” or to “just ask him” (noooo, really?), there are a number of other demoralizing suggestions that put women right where MSN wants them—needing more advice.
Let’s give this list a little makeover, shall we?
Number 2 on their list: “Touchdown.” If you’re a sports fan, you’ve got a leg up on some of the other girls. With football season in full swing, use your sports acumen as an entree. “I always respond to a cute girl who knows her sports,” says Lars, 24, of Boston. “Make a comment about a play or a draft pick, and you’ll definitely get my attention.”
Oh no, not Lars again. Don’t you think we’ve caught on by now, MSN?? That guy is the one that ends up in front of the TV every waking hour, dictating our lives with sports statistics and demands for more beer. Sure, there are some hot women out there that are actually into sports, but what if you’re not? Well, ladies, you better bust out the old almanacs and get to reading, because there’s no way Lars is gonna be interested in anything you might like, unless you have applied at Hooters and know who Ben Rothlisberger is. Try this…talk to Mr. Potential about things you may have in common and let that be the indicator, not how well you can fake it.
Let’s jump ahead to number 5 on their list, where MSN again reminds women of their exact place in the household—dependent on the man, of course. “Monkey Wrench.” Spot a hottie in the hardware store? Getting help is a great icebreaker. “I was getting a plunger and saw a cute guy in the plumbing aisle,” recalls Anna, 45, of Portland. “I asked if he had any recommendations, and he did. To pay him back, I offered to buy him
coffee. It worked."
Hmmmm…instead of asking a man for more help in a department we’re perfectly capable in, why not try showing off your expertise (unless you don’t know how to work a plunger)? Let Mr. Hardware Boy overhear you talking to the PIC about your upcoming project and how time-consuming remodeling your bathroom has turned out to be. Unfortunately, men are still completely shocked and awed by a woman who knows her stuff, so instead of appearing helpless, show him you are sexy AND self-sufficient.
Oh, the humiliation of number 6: “Tongue.” Feeling daring? Up the sexy factor. “I started talking to a man at a local bar,” says LouAnne, 39, of San Antonio. “We’d been talking for over an hour when I suddenly realized I was attracted to him. I flirted a little, and when he didn’t immediately respond, I showed him how I could tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue. After he quit blushing, he asked me to dance.”
OK, first of all…I’d like to see what it looks like when a woman “suddenly realizes she’s attracted to someone” after an hour of talking to him. Do her eyes bug out of her head as though he just said something outrageous? Does her jaw drop? Is it hard to refrain from admitting, “Oh my God, I just found you attractive at this very moment! I can go home with you now!” Leads one to wonder how many drinks she’d had in that hour…
Setting the beer goggles aside, let’s focus on the meaning of this advice. The woman had somehow kept the man’s attention for a full hour. There was something other than sucking on cherry stems that he found attractive and engaging. I find it interesting that the minute she pulled the “ditzy girl” routine, Mr. Intellect “didn’t immediately respond.” It would appear he was as surprised by her sudden attraction to him as she was. As soon as he realized the intelligent person he was just talking to had been replaced with a sex-crazed airhead, it’s no wonder he asked her to “dance.” Should we assume her cherry stem twirls won’t keep him around for long? As for our little counter-advice, ditch the cherries for brainpower, unless you want to wake up alone.
Finally, let’s end this charade with a little common sense, which I was amazed to find anywhere in this article. Their answer number 9: “Results.” Sometimes you have to skip the formalities. “I was sitting in a club the other night, wracking my brain for something pithy to say to a nice-looking man down the bar,” says Mandy, 33. “I came up empty. I moved to the stool next to him and told him just that. At the end of the night, he asked for my number, and we’ve been on two dates. I guess the direct approach works."
OK. Now this makes sense. Actually telling a man the truth about who you are and how you feel, instead of sucker-punching him and tricking him into thinking you’re some sports-crazed dimwit who can’t unclog her own toilet. Allow me to let you in on a little secret: It doesn’t matter what you say. If the attraction is there, it’s there, and no list of “how to kiss a guy’s ass” is gonna change that. Not to mention, the guy you snag with these tricks is the guy you’re stuck with in the end. The real you has to come out sometime…why not use that up-front and attract the real men?
Here’s an icebreaker he’ll never forget: “Hey, you remind me of my Grandfather...but I haven’t fucked you yet!”
Happy V-Day, kids.