goddamn it’s christmas

No one ever claimed that strip clubs were politically correct, but this month they’re decidedly politically incorrect. Christmas parties are happening all over town; no one even thinks to call them “winter parties.” And while sassy sluts strip out of Santa suits in every pocket of Portland, there’s nary a glimpse of Hannukah g-strings or festive Kwanzaa cover-ups. Then, on the supposed night of the so-called Christ’s supposed virgin birth, every club in town features writhing naked chicks (some throw in a free buffet) until 2:30am. This just goes to prove once and for all that no one—NO ONE—loves Christmas more than strippers!

The festivities kick off at the Pallas’ Pre-Christmas Party on December 8th, where you can get your picture taken with—no, not Santa—Gary the Retard! Their actual Christmas Party is a day later on December 9th.

* Jody’s celebrates on December 10th with “second chance strip dances” while bartenders and waitresses bare all.

* Wildcat’s Christmas Party is Friday, Dec. 16th. Bring in a stocking and they’ll stuff it full of gifts. Open ‘em after a $3.50 ham dinner. [And don’t miss their annual art auction on 12/9, featuring art by “the famous” Eric Tonks.]

* Dolphin 1 is throwing a Night Before Christmas Pajama Party on the 21st, which they promise will be a “night you won’t forget soon.” More importantly, they’re serving a free turkey dinner on Christmas day from 4pm on.

* On December 22nd the Christmas action is at Dream On Saloon. And don’t miss the WWE pay-per-view event Armageddon on Sunday the 18th.

* Tommy’s 3 celebrates the season on the 23rd with naked girls and the increasingly popular free buffet.

Finally, while Kwanzaa and Hannukah get the shaft, brand-spanking new Festivus is actually being fêted on December 19th... Dress up like your favorite Seinfeld character and tip the strippers in gold chocolate coins. The stripper will rip you a new asshole while the rest of us holler with laughter and take pictures with our camera phones.

party like it’s 1999

Things were way better in 1999. More of us had jobs, all of us had more money, many of us were younger and dumber and life was a goddamn ball. Now it’s almost 2006 and everything pretty much sucks. We need Revolutionary Resolutions this year, then heads must roll. But anyway...

If you’re looking to start the new year with one helluva hangover, Portland strip clubs can help!! Every club in town is serving booze on New Year’s Eve. An exhaustive list of names and addresses can be found in the middle of the magazine.

rock, etc.

12/1 THE MAKERS w/ Jacuzzi Bros. @ dante’s
12/3 PRINCESS SUPERSTAR @ doug fir
12/9 THE PONTANI SISTERS @ dante’s
12/15 DIAMOND TUCK & THE PRIVATES @ doug fir
12/16 JOHN WATERS CHRISTMAS @ dante’s
12/20 HUMANE SOCIETY BENEFIT @ dante’s