Dear Cad,
I am writing in response to your column a few months ago in which you referred to the woman who wrote in to you as “ugly”. I live next door to that woman and I must say that your hateful words reveal you for the horrible person that I always believed you must be. You are the ugly one. My neighbor may be morbidly obese, have a mullet and wear filthy clothes but I must remind you that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and that God teaches us not to judge lest we be judged ourselves, and by that, the Lord means that we should not assume things about people just by how they look.
May God Have Mercy On Your Soul,
Bethany Isabel Theresa Cranston-Herdner

Dear BITCH,
I couldn’t agree with you more. It is wrong to judge people solely on their looks, which is why I generally only use it as part of the criteria for judging the ugly in my day-to-day life. When I’m writing my column I generally don’t take looks into consideration at all because I cannot tell what people look like just by the way that they write. I can however form a mental image of them.
Interestingly enough you just described the mental image I formed of your neighbor. When I read the letter she sent I imagined a filthy fat woman with a mullet. Maybe I’m psychic. I did not however use my mental image as the basis of my judgment that your neighbor is ugly. For that I used an interview conducted over the phone. My editor demands that I contact the author of each letter to confirm its authenticity and make sure it’s not a prank. In talking to your neighbor—who as it turns out has all sorts of interesting opinions on gays, Mexicans and Muslims—I formed my opinion that she was ugly.
I asked your neighbor what country the city of Fallujah was in. She said Africa, which is actually a continent. Our president doesn’t know that one either, so I didn’t judge her solely on that. I asked her if she had ever done any volunteer work. She said she worked at the hot dog factory. I asked her who her favorite living poet was. She said she loved Mariah Carey. I asked her if she could name an expressionist painter and when she couldn’t I suggested any painter of any kind. Nope. I asked her what her favorite nonfiction book was and she said Jurassic Park. I asked her if she could name a foreign movie director and she said “that ugly Jew who fucks the gook he adopted.” I asked her if she knew what postmodern referred to and she said it was part of the time, that right now it is two o’clock in the post modern. I asked her if she knew what country the Dalai Lama was the spiritual leader of and she said that in India they won’t eat llama and that she “don’t blame them cause it ain’t nothing but a donkey and only Spics eat those.” After zero deliberation I decided that your roommate was ugly. I almost specified in print that said ugliness was “on the inside” but did not. Thank you for your physical description which makes retroactive specification unnecessary.
Someone pointed out that most Americans would not have answered the above questions any differently. He said that if I think your neighbor is ugly then I must feel the same about the majority of Americans, and that I must be either Asian, South American, European, Middle Eastern, African, Mexican, Canadian, Australian, or Central American.
I can only wish.
Sincerely,
Cesar

CONFIDENTIAL to Firkin Angry Gentleman
I don’t understand what you’re worried about. You said that your dad is a Christian. As BITCH points out, Christians never judge others; it angers their God. Therefore it is impossible that your dad could have meant anything negative by the things he said. When he called you a fag, he must have mistaken you for a cigarette and forgot that he was not English. When he called you “a fucking gay,” I bet that he meant that you were sexually active and light-hearted.