"Can we, as a country, all
agree
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xmag.com
: March 2005 : Carnal Knowledge
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BACK
IN BLACK (PLUS CYAN, MAGENTA
AND YELLOW)
A year goes by quickly
these days. I took a year
off from writing this
column, but since we’ve
finally decided to go
all glossy and color,
I figure it’s time
to start writing it again.
It’s so nice to
see your words (no matter
how boring) on shiny paper.
THE NEXT BIG THING
Which brings me to my
next subject: Something
that isn’t boring...
At least not to me.
In a city this size, with
as many strippers and
musicians, and strippers
who are also musicians,
and musicians who are
also strippers or date
strippers... Why in the
heck isn’t there
a band with all strippers
that play some good, loud
rock-n-roll and strip
at the same time? A gimmick,
yes, but a good one. It’s
a great hook.
There are a few local
bands that come close.
Off hand, Coco Cobra &
The Killers is probably
the closest I’ve
seen. Our favorite stripper
Viva Las Vegas is a force
to be dealt with. She’s
cute and nasty and she
teases and flashes provocatively
on stage as she screams
into the mic. But Viva
is the only stripper in
the band. The rest are
guys.
There’s Storm &
The Balls—though
Storm isn’t technically
a stripper—she’s
gorgeous and funny with
an amazing voice and sometimes
gets nearly naked. But
c’mon man, what’s
with the dudes?
Think about Josie &
The Pussycats stripping
while playing Motörhead
songs. Now fuck that’s
hot.
Loud rock-n-roll, beautiful
girls, sex, torn thigh-highs
and heels, stripping,
nudity, sexy vulgar lyrics,
whiskey, danger, magazine
covers, music videos,
sweaty onstage girl-on-girl
action... What more could
you ask for? It’s
a natural promotional
juggernaut.
Of course they’d
have to all get along.
Which is a potential problem
with strippers and musicians
and rock-n-roll.
But I promise any strippers
that put a band like this
together will make lots
of money. Hell, I’ll
give them any money I
have. I will do everything
I can for them. Promote
them, book them, manage
them, finance them, sleep
with them, drive them
around the country, whatever
it takes... I will make
them stars. Well, maybe
not manage them.
WHAT THE WORLD
NEEDS NOW
So come on all you talented
little tramps (and I mean
that in only the most
affectionate way). Get
together, learn how to
play some music, come
up with some lyrics and
start practicing. Then
when you’re ready
to rock, let me know about
it. Maybe you can start
a trend, a new musical
genre. The world could
use some hot stripper
bands. I know I could.
And by the way, I love
all the dudes in The Balls.
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