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: January 2005: Another Lonely Night |
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With
the New Year upon us it's time for Flagstone
to look back, reflect on his pathetic existence
as a filthy film reviewer, and announce
his choice for the three best films of 2004.
For top honors this year it wasn't even
close, but then how close could it be considering
someone had the balls to make an epic porn
vid about Jesus? Hollywood sailed high in
the adult realm last year, as high as you
can go, really, Jesus porn rising off the
cross.
Mel Gibson's THE PASSIONS OF THE CHRIST
assaults your senses for  two long hours,
an unrelenting spectacle of gore, a Christian
slasher epic. Mel knows how to cut to the
chase. None of that born of the Virgin Mary
voodoo, forget all the devoted son of Joseph
the carpenter goo, dump young Jesus walking
among the lambs with his little band of
disciples merrily spreading the word, don't
waste the audience's time & dime with
studly J ousting the usurious money-changers
in the temple. No, Mel does it right. Grind
away on the last 12 hours of Jesus' life.
James Caviezel plays Jesus. Through most
of the film his half-naked hard bod is clad
in a loin cloth, sending off homoerotic
vibes. This quivering Messiah will appeal
to both girls and boys. Jesus is whipped
and flayed, mashed and whacked, writhing
and screaming. Just as porn tosses off one
fuckfest after another, so too THE PASSIONS
OF THE CHRIST wallows in a series of
excruciating bloody agonies and nothing
else. Just as porn shows every orifice being
plundered so we do not need to use our imaginations,
this film makes sure the evisceration of
Christ allows that we don't have to feel
his pain because it's so off the charts.
That's not what Mel intended because he
didn't realize the final result would round
the bend and turn into porn. Which is, of
course, how some of the finest porn slips
out.
Mel is superb on the small details. A whip
encrusted with barbed glass repeatedly rips
into Jesus' flesh; his skin gets torn off
and flies through the air. The Roman guards
laugh and growl as they scourge him, occasionally
flicking pieces of skin
The crucifixion itself splendidly assaults
our eyes, a money shot that will endure
until the Rapture is upon us. The camera
lovingly lingers over the big fuckin'
nails driving into Jesus' hands. Each
time the hammer comes down Jesus twitches
like a spastic.
Gibson is a total fraud. At least the
frauds in porn land are not Jew-baiting,
gay-hating, treacherous thugs. "A sacred
snuff film," says The New Republic.
Exactly.
Coming in a distant second is SECRETS
OF THE HOLLYWOOD  MADAM, the story
of Heidi Fleiss, the infamous procuress
whose black book was filled with the names
of Tinseltown's stars, producers and high
rollers. Heidi got busted in 1993 and
did 21 months in the slammer on tax evasion
charges.
Produced by Phoenix Releasing (phoenixreleasing.com),
the film is aptly described by the company's
PR man as a "hardcore documentary." The
DVD features Heidi as a hostess gabbing
about the ins and outs of her escort service.
Using quick MTV-style cutaways, Heidi
talks for a minute or two followed by
long sex scenes. Thus she's on screen
for about 10 or 15 minutes in this two-hour
escapade. And this is only the first installment
of an eight-part series that will be released
over the next two years.
In an AVN interview last year Heidi
said she was pleased with the DVD but
thought the director filmed her "way too
tight, like if you put a magnifying glass
so close to your skin it looks like you're
on Mars." Over the years many porn companies
have approached her with deals. "For me
to come around to porn is to come full
circle," she said. I suppose, but the
porn/strip/escort biz strikes me more
as the circle remaining unbroken. Still,
ya gotta give Heidi credit for hanging
in there.
Roaring in at third place is GAG
FACTOR 15, a splendid spoof on
the Iraqi prison scandal at Abu Ghraib.
In a room packed with guys wearing black
headscarves and screaming in Arabic, or
at least gibberish intended to sound like
Arabic, a translator says: "You Western
devils, we will do to your women what
you have done to our men. You degraded
our people and now we will degrade yours.
Semen will flow from your pores and you
will know the wrath of the Arab world."
The gang of Islamic fascists, no doubt
in need of 71 virgins, proceed to shove
their horny Koran cocks down Ashley Blue's
throat. Ashley's on her knees decked out
in an olive green T-shirt, a desert hat
and dog tags. In the middle of her gagging
she does manage to scream out the words
of Private Lynne England and others who
were rounded up in the prison sex scandal:
"I was only following orders."
Hey, maybe if Private England doesn't
end up doing too much time in a military
prison she could jump into porn. She's
already got a start, having made a few
vids with her Army boyfriend in the Abu
Ghraib prison.
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