Dear Cesar,

I have a big problem. My life partner (we will call him Acorn for the purposes of this letter) and I met at an ashram in Duluth, Iowa. One night after our nightly spirit animal drum circle Acorn and I went to have a gourd of maca and talk about patriarchy and heterosexism in our culture. Before long we were having a private drum circle of our own if you know what I mean. We had everything in common and it was such a great relief for me to find someone who shared my social, political, and dietal values. My values are very important to me. We now own the only vegan lunch cart in Duluth, which feels like a duty as much as a way of subsisting.

About a year ago Acorn told me that it really bothered him when I took his seed into my mouth and especially when I swallowed it. He said it weakened his spirit animal to taste the semen when he kissed me open mouthed because it was unmanly. When I met him part of what I liked about him was that he was vegan like me, and vegans have much better tasting life juice because their diets don't depend on the suffering of animals. His sacred seed strengthens my spirit animal. Now I just don't know what to do.

Please Help,

Seeking Karmic Absolution, Not Confabulation

Dear SKANC,

First off, no we won't call him "Acorn." You can call him Acorn if you want, but I find it oppressive for you to tell me what I will call him. How dare you. I will call him Lance or Steve which is probably what his poor parents named him. If we all get to change our names any time we want then from now on my name is "Cesar, King Of Sexual Desire And Penile Girth" and that is what you will call me.

You say that "before long we were having a private drum circle all our own." If you mean that you were letting him rub his crabs-infested overgrown pubic hair all over your genital region, then yes, I do know what you mean. You were using the exhilaration of that spirit animal drum circle to grease the skids of the skank mobile. While he was shallowly thrashing his scabies-covered penis around in your wide set and poorly tended pubic patch you were thinking about how great it would be to guzzle jizz ala vegan.

As for Acorn feeling less like a man when he tastes cum, do you think he generally feels like more of a man than other men who taste cum? The men who are tasting cum are your homosexual spirit brother bears who Lance or Steve feels more manly than. Does he pity those silly cum guzzling fagotty spirit animals? You say you share Lance's/Steve's social, political, and dietal values. You no doubt hate the fagotty spirit animals as well. Those are obviously some of the values you were sharing over your steaming gourd of maca. Were you discussing how great it is to be a more quintessential example of your sex than the homos? Maybe you should start a lunch wagon that caters to gay haters. I'm guessing the market in Duluth for lunch wagons that cater to gay haters is probably saturated already. What do you macho men and feminine women who hate gays eat anyway? Mussels and sausage respectively? Regardless of what new direction you want to take your cart you will have to find some new way to make money because you will lose all credibility with your clients when they find out that you are not a vegan but in fact a cum guzzling hypocrite! That's right Moon Phillips of Duluth, Iowa, owner of the "Gentle Shaman All-Vegan Lunch Cart," cum guzzlers are not vegans. Cum is an animal product. You are a classic species-centric hypocrite. Human beings are animals and you are eating animal when you're chugging down Lance's or Steve's seed. You're not even supposed to wear wool or leather or eat honey you stupid gay-hating cum-guzzling hippie! Cum is a definite no-no. I would almost feel bad if you weren't so fucking stupid. As it is I want to thank you for writing an anonymous letter on your business letterhead so I can give the three or four gay people in Duluth the opportunity to firebomb your lunch wagon. That's right gay dudes of Duluth, it's your duty to your people to firebomb the Gentle Shaman All-Vegan Lunch Cart. Directions for making a molotov cocktail can be found on the internet if you google "molotov cocktail directions" instead of "hot gay enema porn."

Yours,

Cesar, King of Sexual Desire and Penile Girth