The
best things in life are free, but you can give them
to the birds and bees.
I want money. That's what I want.
--Stones,
Supremes, Beatles, Flying Lizards, etc.
I
started stripping for the money. I had college loans
that were suffocating me and I wanted them GONE.
In six months. While the rest of my college pals
shopped for suits and resume paper, I looked longingly
at the mysterious bars and fetish wear emporiums
on the wrong side of the street. Soon they were
working for poverty wages at non-governmental organizations
and I was getting naked for Hundred Dollar Dave.
I bet I made twice what they did. But at the end
of the month, I was always broke. For four years,
I worried about making my rent at the end of the
month and it stressed the fuck out of me. Then I
got a little checkbook-sized file thingy for stashing
my cash.
So many strippers I know are perpetually broke.
It's not like they have mega coke habits or even
outrageous addictions to lipsticks and shoes. They
just spend it when they got it, and don't worry
about it until they don't. Suddenly it's September
30th and you've got two more shifts to get your
shit together by the fifth. That's no fun.
But it's easy to change this. Get a checkbook-sized
file thingy and read on!
#1: Have a goal. I wanted to go to Africa again
and see Paris before the world ended. I needed a
TRAVEL FUND. But you can have anything! A buy-a-house
fund, a hire-a-hitman-to-kill-the-ex fund, a miniature
Yorkshire terrier fund.... but it has to be something
you really want, not just need. A FUN FUND. Put
$20 in this fund rain or shine. Whether you make
$500 or $49.
#2: Figure out your monthly bills. Say your rent
is $600, your phone is $50, your utilities are $150.
You need $800. That's $200 a week. That's a LOT.
Are you working four shifts a week? Put $50 in a
bills fund after every shift.
#3: Credit cards are evil. CUT THEM UP.
#3b: How much credit card debt do you have? Sock
away two twenties every shift til it's gone. I paid
off $30,000 by doing this.
NOTE: Divvying up your big take on Day One sucks
as you see $300 quickly shrink to a little pile
of grocery money. But on Days Three and Four, when
you suddenly have one-third of your rent and money
for your Visa bill, you start to get into it. The
accumulation of dollars slowly becomes more fun
than spending money you don't really have.
#4: ADVANCED TECHNIQUE -- Once you've mastered the
basics, you can get funky with it. Got a haircut
coming up? Throw $20 into a beauty fund. Dude's
birthday 'round the corner? Throw $20 into a birthday
fund. Strippers survive solely on cash. It's waaaay
too easy to think the $500 you scored on Friday
is all fun money. Hey, most of it is! But if you
get used to tucking away the first hundred or hundred-and-a-half,
your fun money is a lot more fun.
#5: WAY ADVANCED TECHNIQUE -- It usually only occurs
to lifer strippers towards the end of their careers
that most people have "retirement" funds. The Man
they work for knows eventually their knees and hips
and brains will whither and they'll be useless but
still have rent/ mortgages/ phone bills. Ever heard
of a ROTH IRA? It's for chicks like you! You can
put up to $3000 into a Roth every year. They don't
care where it comes from--could be your grandma,
your daddy, your sugardaddy. You get a great interest
rate, and the interest you earn is tax-free.
Most strippers I know don't think much past next
week. But when you realize that stripping is the
THE BEST JOB YOU WILL EVER HAVE where you make the
MOST MONEY in the LEAST AMOUNT OF TIME you will
start to make adjustments for the future. Start
simply. You tip out 10% or more to bar staff, right?
Well, pay yourself 10%, too. That money goes straight
to the bank. This gets fun after a year or so, when
all of a sudden you've amassed five thousand dollars.
Then you can think of other smart-ass investment
opportunities, like buying a house or your very
own lingerie modeling studio or fucking around in
a stupid punk band like me. Yee ha!
