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"Can we, as a country, all
agree
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xmag.com
: September
2004: Lucky Thirteens!
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The
Lucky Thirteens are a Portland supergroup. They
formed seven years ago when Bradley of Weaklings
infamy was sober. Needing to channel his near-mythic
drunken shenanigans into something, anything,
he formed the Thirteens. Sunglasses-after-dark
Sten from the Oblivion Seekers penned a couple
dozen songs for the group, tall tattooed bass
player Jedediah from the Gnash/ the Atoms/ Roger
Nusic signed on, and Nervous Christian Jeff
Larsen played rhythm guitar. A drummer almost
always showed up, too.
 The
boys were red hot. Turns out Bradley really
shines in a suit, singing Dean Martin-tinged
rockers. More chicks showed up to Lucky Thirteens
shows than you ever saw at a Weaklings engagement.
And, knowing better than anyone that chicks
love you more the worse you treat 'em, the Thirteens
played maybe two or three times a year, and
then not at all.
Then this whole Neil Goldschmidt debacle went
down and the boys figured it was high time to
take the stage again. They're headlining a back-to-school
all-ages bash at the Paris Theater featuring
Portland's favorite spit and grit bands. For
a fraction of their allowance kids can see the
Thirteens, the Weaklings, Diesto, Coco Cobra
and the Killers, and Space Lord.
Plus
there'll be DJ's, contests, and prizes galore,
including a date with the Lucky Thirteens
(ALL of them) and a FREE NEIL GOLDSCHMIDT
TATTOO from Tigerlily. Girls fourteen and
under get in FREE. There'll be an underage
banana eating contest (boys AND girls), an
under-eighteen stripper contest (winner gets
a fake I.D.) and an underage wet t-shirt contest
(chicks only). Fuck yeah!
 VIVA:
I'm so excited to see the Lucky Thirteens
back in action. Compared to the Weaklings
the Thirteens seem...
Bradley:
It's sooo much darker.
VIVA:
Darker? Really? I'd say poppier.
Jedediah:
There's a lot more hook to it.
Bradley:
Sten keeps it really simple the way he writes.
It's straight beat music. His whole idea is
take something from the fifties that was so
overdone then. Do it now and it's authentic
and it's fresh. But the songs are just dirty.
With Jed playing bass that's really fuckin'
meaty and crazy... it's just dirtier. And
a lot of the lyrical content... I was really
pissed off at women for a really long time
and it's really attacking and mean.
VIVA
[deadpans]: Why were you pissed off at women?
Bradley:
Cause they piss me off!!
VIVA:
I used to get naked to the Lucky Thirteens'
"I Don't Wanna Be Loved." Do you guys not
want to be loved?
Bradley:
We just don't want any fucking balls and chains,
man.
VIVA:
God I've heard so many strippers crying over
you in the dressing room. What is it? Do you
have some magical sex trick?
Bradley:
I don't know. Giving them what they need!
Bradley:
Until I don't care any more! And then I split!
I mean, we're all adults here. You do it for
a while and then you move on.
Jedediah:
You do it 'til you're satisfied.
VIVA:
Jedediah I've heard many ladies crying over
you, too. I understand one of them has your
name tattooed over her pussy. What's your
secret?
Jedediah:
It's like I said earlier. You do it until
you're satisfied.
VIVA:
What about fisting?
Bradley:
Once you fist somebody you can never hang
out with them again. That's a rule. Cause
then every time ya fuck 'em ya have to fist
'em. There's no turning back once you bring
in the fist!
Jedediah:
I disagree. What my father told me is once
you fist a woman she'll never leave ya.
VIVA:
What's Sten's secret for getting all the ladies?
Bradley:
Well, it's pretty similar to Ike Turner's:
a fuckin' huge dick and a fist.
Jedediah:
He's the largest member of the Thirteens.
VIVA:
What about the black drummer?
Bradley:
Hey! Joe's new! This'll be his first show,
so we'll have to see.
Jedediah:
We've got to light him on fire first.
VIVA:
Do you guys ever pay for drinks?
Bradley:
I haven't paid for drinks in four years!
Before that I was sober!
VIVA:
Sixteen year old girls have their advantages
and disadvantages. What should every sixteen
year old girl know?
Jedediah:
Well, there's the separate key to the garage...
Bradley:
To bring their wallet. Bring mom's credit
card.
Jedediah:
And Daddy's car.
Bradley:
And you will go far... with the Lucky Thirteens!
VIVA:
How young is too young?
Jedediah:
If you're too young to lie.
Bradley:
Yeah. I got to snack on some older women
when I was like fifteen, and that was a
treasure chest, know what I mean? I learned
things, things that left permanent stains
on my memory. It's not something that everyone
has to experience, but, you know, a lot
of people do. I've never plowed a fuckin'
teenager. But I know teenagers need to be
plowed.
Bradley:
Since never! Even when I was a teenager
I never fucked a teenager. I always fucked
older women. And the youngest I've gone
as an adult is, maybe, 23. Cause I like
someone who knows what the fuck they're
doing. You know what I mean. Jed? How many
teenagers have you snacked on?
Jedediah:
I'm trying to think!
Bradley:
I snacked on my babysitter when I was nine!
VIVA:
Whoa! Where? Titties?
Bradley:
Phoenix, Arizona.
Bradley:
Everything! It's not like I came.... She
was my babysitter. I snacked on her. In
my mom's bed. And then, whatever, I think
I'm not fabricating anything here, but I
think she snacked on my brother, too. And
he was seven.
VIVA:
So, Jed. Ever been molested by an older
woman?
Jedediah:
Twice. In eleventh grade. I was working
at the Cinnabon.
Bradley:
Ha ha! "I got molested by an older woman
at the Cinnabon!"
Jedediah:
It wasn't sexy at all. And the other one
was a nurse I met through the personal ads.
VIVA:
Wait, wait. What did her ad say? "Looking
for teenage boy to molest?"
Jedediah:
No, I put in the personal ad. She answered
mine. I lied, said I was eighteen. "Single
white male, into short shorts, bread products
and good times."
VIVA:
Bread products? Like Cinnabons? Can you
eat Cinnabons anymore?
Jedediah:
Every once in a while.
VIVA:
So, why exactly does Neil Goldschmidt need
our help?
Bradley:
Like we've already covered, who hasn't snacked
on anyone older than them?
VIVA:
Or younger than them. So is this like an
awareness-raising benefit?
Bradley:
Well, we're hoping to make a lot of money,
of course. But whatever. We hate all politicians
and stuff and this is just our way of rubbing
their noses in it. It's like come on! This
is fucking so funny, I have to do this.
The Neil Goldschmidt thing is really just
the hook to piss people off. What it really
is is just a back to school blow out with
a lot of really cool bands. The First Annual
Neil Goldschmidt Benefit.
VIVA:
Annual?! Could you list, for the record,
the line-up?
Bradley:
The Lucky Thirteens, Space Lord, the Weaklings,
Diesto, and Coco Cobra and the Killers.
There's gonna be DJ's, an eighteen-and-under
wet t-shirt contest, Larry Flynt is gonna
be there as guest MC...
VIVA:
Are you gonna advertise this appropriately?
Like at schools and on KNRK and whatnot?
Bradley:
Oh yeah. I'm gonna take it back to the old
days when I used
to
flier high schools and shit. Go out to
Washington County and flier the fuck out
of every high school. Six bands, five
bucks!
Jedediah:
And if you're under fourteen you get in
for free.
Bradley:
Or if you're a babysitter you get in for
free.
Jedediah:
Or if your name is Neil and you're over
36.
VIVA:
When's the next Thirteens show after this
one?
Bradley:
It's up to Sten. For a while we were only
doing shows on Friday the 13th, but then
we missed a couple and now we haven't
played in two years.
VIVA:
Okay, the usual. Favorite Stones record?
Bradley:
Exile On Main Street.
VIVA:
Favorite Pretenders' song?
Bradley:
"I'm the Adulteress." Ha ha!
VIVA:
Best Bob Dylan album?
VIVA:
Sexiest band of all time?
VIVA:
Sexiest singer of all time?
VIVA:
Favorite Portland band?
VIVA:
Would you rather go bow hunting with the
Nuge or drink til ya puke with Lemmy?
Bradley:
Drink til I puke with Lemmy.
Jedediah:
I already did drugs with Lemmy.
VIVA:
What color panties are you wearing and
how long have you been wearing them?
Bradley:
I've been wearing no panties for about
ten years now.
Jedediah:
I'm not wearing panties.
VIVA:
So, Bradley, do you withdraw?
VIVA:
Really? What do you rely on? God? Alcohol?
Bradley:
Of course I withdraw, Viva! I've got to
come on her face!
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