I've been trying not to read the paper for three years now, ever since Bush the sequel started, but I couldn't help but notice that gay marriage has had big headlines lately. And that Bush 2, or "Shrub," has allotted 1.5 billion to go to war to defend it.

This is ridiculous! Who cares if gay people marry? Who cares if they cross the street? I think we've already established that being gay is A-OK legally, so if marriage is a legal agreement, gay people should get to do it if they so desire. If you're personally not OK with it, don't marry someone gay. Sometimes obese adults wear Disney sweatshirts and it really bugs me. Still they get to cross the street, get married, vote.

"65% of Americans feel that homosexuals should have equal rights in the workplace. However, 38% feel that homosexuals should be allowed to marry. That's down one percent from last week."

WHO CARES? And why do they even think it's ok to ask those questions? Here's what they should ask:

"How many of you feel that the Christian Right should be banned from any and all public forums?" or "How many of you feel that President Bush should be ritually axe murdered to appease the international community?"

I bet the stats would be approximately the same.

Shrub and co. say they're defending the American family. But even their homo-foe statistical formulae conclude that gay couples make as good or better parents. In fact, gay partners are more likely to have a stay-at-home parent than hetero marrieds.

Shrub and the Righteous Right say marriage is a holy union blessed by a homophobic God. Well, then marriages shouldn't be conducted at City Halls or carry so much weight legally. Ever heard of separation of church and state?

Shrub and the State of California define marriage as a union between a man and a woman. But, uh, what is a man? What is a woman? What is a homosexual? Take a swim in the murky waters of gender studies for half an hour, Bush buddy, and it'll shrink your cocksure sure as shit. For inst.: can a homosexual woman trapped in a man's body marry a lesbian? They got man and woman PARTS... Or what about a post-operative transsexual marrying his (now her) longtime boyfriend? Is that OK? Maybe we should just institute a don't ask don't tell policy for marriage like we do in the military. No one needs to know who's a boy or who's a girl under that gown!

What does marriage mean anymore anyway, when over fifty percent of marriages dissolve before the death-do-us-part part? Europe has recently come up with marriage lite: civil solidarity pacts and registered partnerships which allow couples, gay and straight, to proclaim their commitment to each other and maintain all the legal benefits of marriage, but without the freakiness of "forever." Scandinavia has all but done away with marriage, and most children are born out of wedlock. Many feel this is a positive trend, sparked by women's lib and the decreased influence of the church. But conservative presses blame gays being allowed to marry for lessening the appeal of marriage. According to the Weekly Standard, this takes away marriage's romance and "mystique," and should therefore be avoided at all costs. Talk about fuzzy logic.

Here's some logic I like. My army brother's friend's father, a Ph.D. in psychology, is writing a book on conservatism as a personality disorder. Hee hee. That's what I like to see. Here's hoping it's a bestseller.