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| xmag.com
: February 2004: Another Lonely Night |
Considering that in
any given year, pornland churns out about
one porn for every man, woman and child on Earth,
I'm certain to have missed a few sure-fire winners.
Yet the following five top-of-the-pops inexorably
made their way through the chaos of time and space
to my lonely TV, and that's saying something.
ONE--PIMPIN'
101 
Decked out
in an array of high end pimp gear, including a purple
Versace suit, Ice-T takes top honors for PIMPIN'
101. The star rapper offers up a beginner's guide
on how to be a player in the game, control the "bitches"
and target the marks. Before hitting the big time,
Ice-T was a street pimp. He doesn't say much about
his street cred running girls, nor does he dip his
stick into any of the porn queens portraying hookers
in Pimpin' 101. But we get a glimpse of The
Life accompanied by the main draw--a soundtrack with
the title song and a batch of tracks by other artists.
A great contribution to porn, the game from a player
who went on to hit it big.
Coming in a
very close second, CAMPUS INVASION was '03s
finest marketing scam. The porn crew breezed onto
Indiana University's campus and treated a few students
to blow jobs in a dormitory. Most of the porn party
scenes involved contests between students eating pussy
and animal house horseplay with frat rats chugging
beer and hooting and hollering "get that nooky," "hit
the bull's-eye" and "bite her ass." Bill O'Reilly
devoted lots of air time fulminating against porn
shot on campus in three different segments over a
couple of weeks. That no doubt sent the sales of this
DVD soaring. One IU student, called Party Bob, clues
us in on campus priorities. He throws his head back
in a state of ecstasy while getting a knob job and
says, "Fuck class. All they do is talk all day long."
Lizzy Borden's
bash & slash FORCED ENTRY set a new standard
in the galaxy of fatal rottenness. Porn-dude Luciano
plays a serial killer who overpowers Jewel De'Nyle,
rapes her, pisses on her face and suffocates her
with a plastic bag. Next up Taylor St. Claire plays
a pregnant girl who gets her stomach beaten in by
Luciano and one of his gang buddies, the deranged
Mickey G, both of the killers apparently figuring
zero population growth is justified by any means
necessary. The third scene, the climax so to speak,
features Veronica Caine getting cut up with a knife
and left in a pool of blood. A PBS crew working
on a Frontline documentary, American Porn,
visited Borden's set when she was filming the
climax. The crew was so appalled by the "gutting"
of Veronica they walked off the set. More to the
point, they filmed themselves taking a powder which
gave their documentary a load of authentic disgust
and generated great publicity for Forced Entry,
which has now sold over 30,000 copies. It was also
among five DVD's listed on a search warrant when
47 Federal marshals and postal inspectors from Pittsburgh
blew out to porn valley last summer and raided Extreme
Associates.
Most of the
toe sucking DVD's are pretty similar, but Gotham
Gold leads the pack with a lengthy on-going series.
I don't imagine many Top Five or Top Ten porn lists
would include a footsie DVD, but on Flagstone's
lonely nights he frequently dreams of tasty toes.
So the fourth spot goes to TOE TALES #73,
which features the soft soles and tender toes of
Angelique and Barbie Brooks being devoured by foot
slaves. Rave on, foot lusters.
FIVE--WEAPONS
OF ASS DESTRUCTION 
I include
WEAPONS OF ASS DESTRUCTION for one reason:
it was one of the few DVD's last year to play off
the war in Iraq. Actually, not much of a play except
for the title, but at least Jordan made the effort.
The porn potential in Saddam Hussein is huge and,
so far, squandered. Maybe in 2004.
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