This is Exotic's scary issue, so I was trying to think of scary stories to share with you. But very little scares me­save for the government. Oh, and earwigs, I fuckin' HATE earwigs.

I thought maybe I could tell you about the time when I was fifteen, screwing this guy while I was flying on acid and he thought it might be funny to convince me that his dick was a knife, but since this is supposed to be somewhat of an advice column, I'll share with you a scary story that has a lesson in it.

You may have picked up from this column that I love anal sex, dildos and whatever vibrating toy that I can shove into me or whomever is in my proximity who sits still long enough. And you may have read my bit on the best and safest way to enjoy anal sex. If not, I mentioned in it that if you are playing with sex toys and one happens to be in your rear end when you cum, the contractions from orgasm can cause that little rocket to pop out your ass like the little man from a cannon. I myself am a shooter. For some folks, however, the opposite is true.

Bea is a trauma nurse and also a good friend of mine. She has regaled me with sick stories of late Saturday nights in the ER. Statistically, if you need to go to the ER, nine times out of ten it's on the weekend, so it's usually packed with inebriated freaks on Saturday night.

Late one Saturday night two men walk into the emergency room. Well, one half walks in and is half carried in by his partner. The half-walker is howling, doubled over clutching himself. His friend is keeping his cool while trying to check him in. The non-screaming man explained that a "foreign object" had somehow traveled into his friends body. "He didn't actually EAT it, but it's IN him...." the man said, trying to sound discreet and still be heard over the wailing. Bea knew right away what was up, admitted the guy and immediately pumped him full of a strong muscle relaxer.

Because it was Saturday night, the joint was jammin' and the man housing said "foreign object" was on a gurney curled on his side in the hallway, waiting for the next available doctor. Bea made her rounds, checking on the folks waiting. As she approached the man she heard something weird. Among the shouting, running around, intercom crackles and beeping machines she heard a low, throbbing buzz--like an electric toothbrush when you close your mouth around it--coming from the man's abdomen.

Apparently a big fancy vibrator with brand new batteries ended up in the man's descending colon--and it was on "high". According to Nurse Bea this happens a lot to men and women. The contractions from orgasm that enable me to pelt the far wall of my bedroom with cyberskin projectiles can actually suck inward with as much force.

So in the end, if you're gonna ride a rubber pony until you pop, make sure it's got a wide base on it or you or your partner have a good grip on it. You don't want to end up in the ER on a Saturday night with an embarrassing story that everyone will hear about someday. Be careful and be smart, because nurses talk.