"Love is scary, like Halloween."

Thus ended my original October 2001 column. This year it's love's-been-a-little-bit-hard-on-me. It's when-love-goes-wrong-nothing-goes-right. It's what-river-should-I-jump-in....

I've fallen in love four times in the last four years. Totally, completely in love. And man, is it heartbreaking! Each of these boys was totally dreamy, totally unique, totally sexy, totally brilliant and a wonderful kisser. I worshipped them. And each was more loser than the last.

I am an expert at falling in love. It happens instantly and totally. I am unafraid of love and I never see the folly of my ways. And I always think I'll never find it, then boom, love walks in the room. But when it walks out, I melt.

I only fall in love at first site. It's gotta be instant animal attraction or I'm not interested. And the guy's balls have to way outweigh his brain. This is evidently a prerequisite. The guys I love skate through life on charisma and creativity, but when it comes to paying rent or maintaining a car, they are dumbfounded. Most of them are just breezing through town, on the run from the law, adulthood, themselves.... It's like I want to trip them--fuck their shit up. Make 'em cross-eyed with love, saying, "I've never said this before and I can't believe I'm feeling this way, but let's get married and have babies." [They always say this!] Then I kick them in the balls and run away--a trick I perfected in first grade. I'm trying to recreate Pee Wee's Big Adventure, where Pee Wee tells his sweet dorky girlfriend to get lost, saying, "I'm a loner, Dottie, a rebel!" Yet by the end of the movie they have puppies and are riding a bicycle-built-for-fucking-two. My dream!

I have been completely poisoned by Hollywood and Little Golden Books to fall for the big bad wolf and tame him. I am a world-class game player who says I-don't-play-games. I am the girl who in high school renounced marriage 4-EVAH but who suddenly wants baby Vivas and doesn't want to do it alone.

Hanging out with all the other heartsick strippers, I hear a lot of the same stories. Granted most are wise enough not to want kids, realizing that we are selfish brats, but we all want long-term lovers. And we all seem to fall for LOSERS. (Pardon me! I mean "Outlaws." "Rebels." "Musicians." "Skateboarders.")

Why do strippers fall in love with losers? We meet hundreds of very eligible bachelors every day. They adore us. But it's the losers who win our hearts. Soon they've moved in and are beating us up and selling crack outta the front door (if they have a job at all) and are not coming home at night, while we wait up for them knitting little pink caps for our kitties and reading In Style. Why?

Some say that we are Bad Girls and so fall for Bad Boys, that we are living on the edge and so get off on guys who live the same way, that we are "outlaws", "rebels", "musicians" and "skateboarders" ourselves.

I'm not so sure. After seven god-forsaken years of mulling it over, I have my own philosophy. Strippers date losers because we can afford to.