--Richard
Meltzer on The Dictators
Long-time
pals Richard Meltzer and (Handsome) Richard Manitoba
caught up for the first time in over ten years when
the Dictators played in Portland last month.
Viva sat rapturously in the middle and pressed play
on her tape recorder. The rest is history. [For
those who don't know, the Dictators are The Greatest
Rock and Roll Band of All Time and are from New
York City, The Greatest City in the World. As New
Yorkers they care passionately about the Yankees,
boxing, wrestling, New York, White Castles, pizzerias,
etc. Richard Meltzer is The Greatest Rock Critic
of All Time and an ex-New Yorker who still cares
about New York stuff but who now lives in Portland
and swears he will NEVER GO BACK!]
VIVA:
You guys are still around, still touring. Everyone
else 
is
dead. What's the secret?
Handsome
Dick Manitoba: We found the Fountain of Youth! We
like feeling young. I stopped ravaging my body years
ago. Everyone takes care of themselves for general
purposes. And more specifically, I always sorta
kept myself available to play rock'n'roll. Whatever
job I had, I made sure I could leave it when the
rock'n'roll bell rang, and come back to it to make
money.
VIVA:
And Handsome is still the handsomest man in rock'n'roll.
What's HIS secret?
HDM:
I dunno how to answer that, I'm humble.
Meltzer:
You're humble?!
HDM:
Just born that way, I guess. Lucky.
Meltzer:
So do you use any kinda haircoloring?
HDM:
Me? No. I dye my beard. It's like once a week, I
put this stuff on for five minutes. Cuz otherwise
it looks all white and I don't wanna look like Jerry
Garcia. I'm bald and I walk around all the time
like that, but on stage I wear the hats cuz it's
a better look. It's like wearing a good shirt. It
looks better and I look younger without being bald.
If I were James Taylor I guess I wouldn't mind,
cuz then I'd be a sensitive singer songwriter.
VIVA:
You've got a lot of hats.
HDM:
Yeah, yeah, I got a collection. I've got a custom
NY hat with a Jewish star on it, I've got a Bronx
hat...I've got all kinds of hats.
VIVA:
What's the weirdest hat you've ever worn?
HDM:
For my friends from Pennsylvania. They threw me
a Philadelphia Phillies hat and I went "photo op!"
and put it on for like two minutes.
Meltzer:
Do you remember--the Dic-heads were always trying
to compete for Sandy Pearlman's attention with the
Blue Öyster Cult--so when BÖC had their
Nazi period, you were doin' your Nazi schtick, too.
HDM:
Yeah, but ours was tongue-in-cheek. Pearlman was
like mesmerized by Nazis.
Meltzer:
Don't you remember once your father was upset with
you and said something like "Well what about our
ancestors?!" And you picked up a bar of soap and
said, "Here's our ancestors!" Remember this? Remember
this?
HDM:
No. God bless you, Richard, and your memory.
VIVA:
On Dictators Go Girl Crazy, you rhyme "growing
up" with "throwing up." Were you listening to a
lot of Bruce Springsteen and Greetings from Asbury
Park at the time?
HDM:
No. I think there are only so many words in the
English language, and only so many chords, and sometimes
in rock'n'roll they run into each other.
VIVA:
What influenced you in the very beginning?
HDM:
Our culture influenced us. Which was part music,
uh...pussy, gettin' drunk, White Castle hamburgers
and cars.
Meltzer:
Have you ever had a White Castle hamburger?
VIVA:
Yes.
HDM:
You got a good nose. I like your nose.
VIVA:
Wanna have kids?
HDM:
They've got the greatest thing now at White Castle.
The Crave Case. Thirty! In like an attaché
case.
VIVA:
How many can you eat? You'd have to throw away the
bun, wouldn't ya? On your low carb diet?
HDM:
No I don't throw away the bun. Religion is religion,
and White Castle is a religious experience.
Meltzer:
So d'ya ever eat at Wetson's? Remember Wetson's?
HDM:
Yes! I said that yesterday, Richard. I said,
"Does anyone in this car remember Wetson's?" Errol
Wetson was the playboy son of Wetson's. Their specialty
was pastrami.
Meltzer:
The cheese on Wetson's used to be quite a bit like
Velveeta. It was very bad.
VIVA:
Any new music that gets you hot and bothered?
HDM:
The newest band that I've loved was Nirvana. So
that was like twelve or thirteen years ago. To me
that was the last great rock band.
Meltzer:
They're from this part of the world, you know. Courtney
Love used to give blowjobs in the parking lot of
the Satyricon before Kurt came along.
HDM:
She's from Portland?
Meltzer:
She lived here. Her father was a Deadhead! The album
Aoxomoxoa-- she's on the cover. Wanna see
what I've got in my pocket here?
HDM:
OK. [Meltzer pulls out a pocket watch.] You've got
a Dead watch. Really! Wow. That's cool.
VIVA:
Sexiest song of all time?
HDM:
It's gotta be some black soul singer. I don't know...
Al Green? It's gotta have that slow Al Jackson-Booker
T.-Otis Redding slow, sexy....
VIVA:
Sexiest record of all time?
HDM:
What's the difference between a record and a song?
Meltzer:
What's the sexiest cassette?
HDM:
What's the sexiest 8-Track?
VIVA:
Alright alright. Who's the sexiest singer?
Meltzer:
Portland has 8-Track collectors.
HDM:
Shakira.
Meltzer:
Portland has a lot of people who collect 8-Tracks.
They go to the Goodwill every week, see if something
new shows up...
HDM:
Or Ann Margaret.
VIVA:
Sexiest thing about Debbie Harry?
HDM:
Her face.
VIVA:
Sexiest thing about Joey Ramone?
HDM:
His voice.
VIVA:
Sexiest thing about KISS?
HDM:
Nothing.
VIVA:
Sexiest thing about NYC? 
HDM:
The fresh mozzarella that I get around the corner
at Ruzzo's. Sexy. Mozzarella is sexy. It's just
a glob of white that they bring up from the basement.
And as you press it or cut a knife into it milk
spurts out.
VIVA:
Oooo! Lovely! Thank you. What's sexy about having
a kid?
HDM:
I don't know if it's sexy--having a kid. It's got
everything else, but I don't think it's sexy.
VIVA:
Sexiest Stones song?
HDM:
When I was like eleven years old, "Satisfaction"
was like my favorite song ever. And I like all those
mid-sixties singles like "Mother's Little Helper"
and "Get Off My Cloud" and "Paint it Black." To
me they were perfect rock'n'roll songs. Hot!
Meltzer:
I hear that Dylan is playing "Brown Sugar" as part
of his set now.
VIVA:
Do you have a favorite Dylan song?
HDM:
Yeah. I heard it on the radio yesterday. FORTY YEARS
after a song comes out I still get chills and I
still get overwhelming feelings when I hear "The
Times They Are A Changin'." It's as heavy as the
heaviest song ever written. I get a physical reaction
to that song. To me that's a song that changed the
world.
Meltzer:
I think the Byrds' version is even better.
HDM:
If I was listening to two hours of music and you
said well you can listen to two hours of the Byrds
or two hours of Dylan, I'd listen to two hours of
the Byrds. But Byrds didn't change the world. Bob
Dylan did.
VIVA:
I love Gram Parsons.
HDM:
I love Gram Parsons. I love the Byrds. I LOVE the
sound of Roger McGuinn's voice and I LOVE the sound
of his Rickenbacker.
[Both
Richards start singing "The Times They Are A Changin'."]
HDM:
That was just so powerful. It was like one of those
times, like when Elvis came out and it was blown
from zero to one. Three acts turned the world upside
down--not that they're my favorites!--but Elvis
Presley, Bob Dylan and the Beatles.
VIVA:
Who are your three favorites?
HDM:
The Stones, the Beatles and... what was your band
called? Vom. [Vom is the proto-Angry Samoans band
that Meltzer founded.]
Meltzer:
What about the Doors?
HDM:
No way. Not even close. He was an L.A. guy! No.
The Stones, the Beatles and Brian Wilson. I love
Brian Wilson. That's one body of music I could listen
to for more continuous hours without taking it off
than any other body of music. I could listen to
the whole box set and do my chores around the house
and not get tired.
VIVA:
Sexiest wrestler of all time? 
HDM:
Freddie Blassie. Check out this magazine. This is
so amazing. Look at this photo! The caption says,
"Women really go for me." Now sit down. I'm gonna
read one paragraph to you. But you have to imagine
it in Blassie's voice. Ready? Alright. "About Antonina
Rocca."
"There
was another thing about Rocca that made him one
of the most intriguing men in the business. A detail
I figure that most fans didn't know. He had the
biggest cock most of the boys had ever seen. You
should have heard them go on and on about it. They'd
hold their hands apart and talk about the length.
They'd cup their fingers together and describe the
thickness. Then they'd talk about the site of Rocca
laying back on a bench in the locker room with the
head of his dick resting in the middle of his chest.
But you can rest assured that Freddie Blassie never
took part in these lively exchanges. I talked about
wrestling and Cadillacs, women and making money.
I was never interested in cocks."
That's
genius! Like he doesn't even say "I talked about
wrestling, cars, girls and making money. He goes
"wrestling....Cadillacs." That's like saying
White Castles instead of food or hamburgers.
VIVA:
What color panties are you wearing and how long
have you been wearing them?
HDM:
Black 2 button Calvins. HDM DON'T WEAR NO PANTIES!
VIVA:
Would you rather go bowhunting with Ted Nugent,
or drink til ya puke with Lemmy Kilmister?
HDM:
Drink Yoo Hoo 'till I puke with LEMMY! [Suddenly
watching the TV very intently.] Goddamit where's
the score I want? Boston won. Shit! Fuck!
Meltzer:
So I really think that Clemens has the stink of
the Red Sox on him.
HDM:
Stink of the Red Sox... I'm not a huge fan, but
he wears the pinstripes, so I like him. Sorry, Richard.
Ha ha ha. The stink of the Red Sox.
