I
recently had the good fortune to host a
radio program with Tristan Taormino (see
feature). Tristan was here to discuss her
new book, True Lust, and to plug
her website, puckerup.com. I was
there to talk about music, but when she
pulled out a red butt plug the size of an
artichoke, that went out the window. Turns
out Tristan holds the title "Anal Queen,"
so for the rest of the show, all we talked
about was butt sex and nuthin' but butt-sex.
I love anal sex. It puts a big smile on
my face and I'm in the best mood for days
afterwards. It's rough, it's nasty, it can
hurt a little bit and it turns any sweetheart
of a man into a seething, fucking animal.
Mmmm, yessir, this little slut loves the
stuff... But while Tristan and I rambled
on about the glories of cornholin', I realized
the male host was uncharacteristically quiet.
His fiancee (who was in the studio) was
enjoying the conversation and made it clear
to us that she was booty curious, but her
man wouldn't give in to her dirty yearnings.
We rode him a little about it but he couldn't
say why it turned him off specifically.
We offered ideas and advice, but he just
turned crimson and stammered, "Come ON you
guys! Leave me alone! GAWD!"
Very little shocks me, but this was a big
surprise. I thought all guys wanted to go
in through the out door. It's the standard
set by current pornography and just about
all Howard Stern talks about, for cripes
sake! The ultimate conquest! What gives?
After some deep meditation on what kind
of man won't plow the back field when begged,
I realized that some men may suffer from
what I call Negative Empathetic Response
Disfunction. These men can't fathom screwing
their girls in the ass because they can't
deal with the idea of someone doing it to
them. They can almost feel the Big Meat
poking in just thinking about it, and it
scares them. Maybe begging for a cock in
the crapper is like saying "Hey, faggot,
wanna bend me over and be the Burt to my
Ernie?"
Or he might just be afraid of touching poop.
I say get over it. If your woman wants to
go Roman and you want to please her, here
are some things you can try to get through
whatever fear of the rear you may have.
#1. ANAL PORN. Good porn with lots of hot
anal action can get you used to the idea.
I recommend European porn from the Private
collection. Who cares what they're saying,
those beauties LOVE a big cock in their
ass, and it always ends up there. Try jerking
off to it or fucking your girl while it's
on.
#2. TOYS TOYS TOYS! Go get some gadgets
for that ass, and don't forget the lube!
Let her show you what she wants you to do
to her. Once you're finally starting to
get into the idea, let her fuck you on top
with the vibrator on high while still firmly
in her pooper. Her pussy will not only feel
tighter, it will VIBRATE. Word of caution
on this: when doing the vibro-gina, be sure
to hang on to that buzzing rocket if she
starts to cum. It tends to shoot out during
orgasm. I once came so hard that the sucker
hit the television across the room, turning
it on. Scared the shit outta me. Which reminds
me....
#3. Ladies and gentlemen, right at this
very moment there's poop in your butt. It
doesn't have to get everywhere, though.
I clean myself out once in a while with
a warm water enema, especially if I'll be
begging for an ass-reaming later that night,
but that's not necessary (and it isn't healthy
to do too often). If you're fairly regular
and you've taken a crap recently, your rectum
ought to be smooth and cock-ready. However,
butts can be testy and unpredictable. So
what if it's a little messy.
We all have an asshole. If we didn't we'd
be dead. Our butts do a dirty job every
day to keep us alive. A little gratitude
is in order here. Time to give a little
back. And what better way than to pump it
full of hot cock meat? Amen and pass the
I.D.Glide.
