Exotic Magazine: Penis 101: March 2003

I've seen a lot of cock in my time. No, I'm not gay, although my girlfriend would have you believe that my fastidiousness and gastronomic habits belie a latent homosexuality. I've probably seen as much cock as the aged cut-rate hookers working the docks during Rose Festival. I get paid to look at and diagnose all of the cock-related problems that bring one to the doctor's office, so I think I can qualify the title of this article.

I never intended to reflect on the study of Cockery. Like many intellectual exercises, this was borne out of a late-night drinking binge with friends. One of the guys had been dumped and the ex-girlfriend was telling everyone that he had a wee willy and was thoroughly unsatisfying beneath the sheets. Now, knowing this fellow, I had no doubt regarding the latter. Funny thing is that he didn't even care about being exposed as a shitty lover, but he was mortified at the accusation that his gear wasn't up to factory standards.

Women know that the best way to make a guy's life a living hell is to spread rumors about him having a small penis. It's happened to all of us at one time, right? Well, not me, but to most of you guys, anyway. That's a joke. As the story goes, we were finishing up the night, alternately supporting him through the break-up period and pitching him shit about his dimensions, when some dumbfuck in the group dared him to whip it out. Thankfully someone restrained him. Hell, I was pretty drunk, and I'm sure the sight of his little toe-headed weenie hitting the table was sure to make me vomit. However, as the sole member of the group with any medical and scientific training, somehow it fell upon me to restore his manliness and dispel the myths of the male genitalia. Hence, the infant science of cockery came to be. Here are the basic tenets and explanations.

All cocks are not created equal. Hate to burst your bubble, but there's no provision in the Constitution that guarantees you the right to a biggie. Ron Jeremy and Peter North are two perfect examples that big cocks can sprout out of just about anybody. Of course this is equally true for small cocks. There are several myths about the correlation of cock-size to hand and foot size. A British medical journal recently dispelled this, as well as the myth that there are racial differences.

I'm gonna give you the straight dope based on my own clinical experience. I've found that it's difficult to predict who's packing a Kielbasa. Most women I know will resort to the "feel test." I compared my medical notes with a lot of women who sort of get around, if you know what I mean. Here's what I found out.

Black guys don't have the biggest cocks. They're about the same size as everybody else's. I confirmed this with a hairstylist I know who only dates black men. The corollary is that the ones that are toting something usually carry something analogous to a walking stick. Fat guys generally have really small cocks, which are usually buried in some stinky belly fold. Common sense there. Skinny guys are usually packing heat. Poor, shitty musicians get laid a lot, and it ain't for the music, you know. Asian guys are a mixed bag. I confirmed this with a Caucasian girl I know who only dates Asian men. Those who are raised here are on par with everyone else whereas those who come from their native countries are on the smaller end. I think it has something to do with nutrition. You don't develop a big body on tofu, after all.

On that topic, most muscle-heads' cocks are inversely proportionate to the amount they can bench press. Comedian Richard Jeni once said he didn't work out because weights can make every part of your body bigger except one...and lifting weights only makes that look smaller. Anabolic steroids also add to shrinkage. Understand where part of 'roid rage comes from now?

Of course you want to know the answer to the most burning question: who wins the medal for minisculity? Before I reveal this, let me say that this is just based on what I've seen and is not intended to offend. Hey man, it's scientific. Okay. The smallest cocks are on Mexicans. Not the American-born--they fall into the same sizing pattern as American-born Asians. It's the migrant workers. Again, I suspect it has something to do with nutrition, but I've seen a lot of these guys because they all get VD from local hookers. I almost cried when I had to do a urethral swab on some poor sod and realized that the two-millimeter q-tip wouldn't fit up inside of the pathetic pinky-finger sized nub he possessed.

I suppose that a lot of you are now feeling compelled to get the old tape measure out. Don't, I repeat, DON'T do this. There's no real way for you to accurately measure a part of your body that is constantly changing size. Shit, it's like expecting barometric pressure to predict the weather with 100% certainty. Short of painful and expensive surgery, you will never be able to change what you've got, so don't go and do something stupid like measuring it. If you and your partners have been happy up until now, then don't go fucking that up. You might be happy with what you measure, but what if you're unhappy? You'll only feel bad which will, in turn, diminish your self-confidence and sexuality. This then spirals into depression and self-doubt and the next thing you know, you're in front of a jury explaining why you were hanging out on the Green River with that shovel and machete. A lot of sex-therapists will tell you to stick your erect cock in an empty toilet paper tube. If it does a fairly good job of filling it up, then you've got nothing to worry about. This is what I advocate, but I have to use an empty paper towel tube, of course.

Now, one has to realize that sometimes when it comes to penises and vaginas, simple architecture and evolution will sometimes put you at a disadvantage. Use your common sense so I don't have to lay a bunch of biology and physics on you, okay? I once dated a woman that could have passed for a Valkyrie. She was height-weight proportionate, but the tale of the tape gave her two inches and twenty pounds on me. She was pure Scandinavian huntress, with powerful haunches, ice-blue eyes, tremendous breasts and...where was I? Anyway, the disparity in body-size was amplified in the sack. Big women sometimes have big vaginas and even if I had my game-face on, I sometimes felt like a Lilliputian, angling incompetently inside of her. Your Legos won't work with Brio blocks and there ain't nothin' you can do about it.

Oddly enough, I've noticed one other truth when it comes to penis size. It's the guys who boast the least about their sexual experiences that have the most satisfied partners and the least paranoia about their gear. So in the end, it would seem, the best cocks may be attached to those who don't act like one. Oh, and if you did fail the toilet-paper tube test, then go to www.smallpenis.org for help.