I love cock. I love it love it love it. Big, giant, superhuman....average, small, wee...soft, hard, smooth, hairy, I love them all. They are wonderfully magnificent little beings, even if the person they're attached to is all too often a total dick.

I am relatively undiscriminating, though I prefer my cocks to be hard. Stubbornly, frequently hard.

Some of my favorites include the stranger's cock, wrapped in blue jeans and hard as a rock, teasing me through my short skirt sitting on his lap drinking a jack-n-coke and talking about stupid rock'n'roll. Or the reliable cock-in-the-mouth, getting bigger and harder and slippier with every suck. Or, best of all, the good-morning cock--ready to rock and knockin' softly at my pajama'd ass.

I've taken a few courses in cockology and I know that there's quite a variety out there. And that stereotypes exist for a reason. The blackest cock I ever met was also the biggest cock I ever met and I thank Jesus to this day that that guy had a foot fetish. The smallest cocks I've encountered have been brown--Middle Eastern, Mexican, Southeast Asian--and attached to the BEST lovers. The white cocks have all been "above average" according to their owners, whose skills were ultimately below average. I don't really care. If it's hard, I'm happy.

It's come to my attention recently that many guys read much more into this cock size thing than meets your pussy. Like did you know guys who date exclusively Asian chicks have small cocks, the better to fit in their supposedly smaller boxes? Or that the only guys who cry on account of a woman after age ten have teeny weenies? Or that Napoleon's/ Hitler's/ your-band-name-here's world domination fantasies were the result of less-than-average guns? Or what about this current conflict? Your President George W. Bush vs. the evil whatchamacallits. Surely this economic stink bomb is resultant from the age-old coupling of penises and politics. Heck, if you take the eni out of penis and substitute it for the olitic in politics you have the SAME WORD. Weird!

Does George W. have a big cock? Laura always looks pretty well laid. But whose fault is that? You can get off in a number of different ways in the White House.

Who is Saddam's cock sock, and why do we never see his/ her/ their picture? Here's a guy whose penis envy is so outta control that he builds million-dollar mosques to himself, festooned with phallic minarets that are actually in the shape of kalashnikovs and other military hardware--in a country where food is an unaffordable luxury. Jesus! Take a Viagra! Get a penis pump. Or just use your hands more, dude!

My diminutive Egyptian lover was the BEST. I still get crosseyed thinking of how he would pull me into him, placing his little hand on the small of my back. He could repeat this move anywhere--in a theater, on Second Avenue, at a funeral--and I'd wet my pants. He was also adept at that works-every-time trick of kissing a girl with your hand wrapped around her neck. This works every time! Why don't more of you dickheads use it?

The secret is to make us feel that you're in control, that you know what you're doing and that we are literally and figuratively FUCKED. Cuz the truth is that while you boys are following your unpredictable and impetuous cocks around, suckers to the vagaries of virility, we chicks are holding things together. It's exhausting and we need a break. If you can for half a second make us believe that you're gonna hunt and gather and kill and maim for us, we melt like butter. To this end your big cock will only take you so far. Use your tongue, hands, brain, mouth. Then use your hands some more.

Don't get me wrong--I love cock! But it's those creative cocks--the ones who start with an appetizer of chocolate-dipped toes, know exactly how to pull your hair and do really fucking great handiwork--that you always hear about in the dressing rooms.