Have you ever wished
you were in Liverpool when the Beatles were sleeping
around? Or in London when the Clash were scanning
the musician classifieds? Or in Birmingham when the
Buzzcocks were buzzcocking each other? Do your favorite
45's come and go as quick as a hit of nitrous? Then
the EXPLODING HEARTS are
for you!!
Born in the
back of the Spider Babies' shitty van less than  three
years ago, the Exploding Hearts already have the cream
of the punk chick crop in the front row at all their
shows. With songs like "(Making) Teenage Faces" and
"Rumours in Town" they have beguiled pretty pop rockers
with catchy and tuneful promises of punk love, back
seat grope fests, shitfaced proms and the like. They
caught on so fast that their first LP Guitar Romantic
was instantly dubbed record of the year and KNRK had
the Hearts as their very first in-house band. The
boys played two hours worth of outros, a sensitive
acoustic set and were interviewed by Art Alexakis
from that other big local pop-rock outfit, Everclear.
Daria from The Gustav and Daria Show even let
them look at her "gynormous and beautiful rack for
a really long time!"
And so should
you. These guys have punk rock pedigrees (Adam was in
Coco Cobra and the Killers) and are as dreamy as all
hell. They're unemployed, eat burritos and would love
to smoke your pot.
I tried to track
them down after a show in support of the Bangs from
Olympia (who fuckin' rule!). But this mod and moody
bunch had stormed off the stage after only four two-minute
songs and were long gone by the time
I got my tequila. So I cornered them at Tennessee
Red's, where they can often be found drinking anything
you'll buy them.
It was karaoke night.
Every chick in the bar was singing Indigo Girls' "Closer
to Fine" when I arrived and from there it only got
worse. But the undeniable charm of this undeniably
great band distracted me completely (until this girl
crawled on the bar in front of us with her big white
ass half out of her pants shouting at the bewildered
crowd something very Pat Benatar and then did a Stevie
Nicks). After one hour and three rounds I felt like
I had lived A Hard Day's Night. Here's the
final score: Adam is the cute one. Matt is the hot
one. Terry is the dreamboat. And the Kid is the drummer
and we all know we should NEVER DATE THE DRUMMER!!!
 ADAM
BABY!
guitar,
vocals
age:
23
sign:
Leo
hair
color: Blonde
favorite
record: Dead Boys' Young, Loud and Snotty
status:
"Seeking drunken ho's."
what
are you looking for in a girl? "A car, a 401K plan,
and a yard I can run my dog in."
worst
drunk disaster: "After Coco Cobra and the Killers
played New Year's Eve at Satyricon, I ended up at Union
Jack's, totally obliterated and wearing a Mexican wrestling
mask sideways so I couldn't see. I decided it would be
a good idea to get up on stage and dance. Suddenly I'm
out on Burnside and this giant Russian motherfucker is
kicking my ass. I'll get you you fucking tail-eating Russian
motherfuckers! After he layed me out and left, I got up
and decided to beat the crap out of this red Miata...you
know...Russia, red....anyway the Miata's a piece of crap
and has PLASTIC windows, so instead of breaking the windows,
I broke my hand."
what
strip clubs can we find you at? "I used to work at
Sassy's and Doc's."
fuck
any strippers while you were there? "NO COMMENT!"
favorite
stripper song of all time: "Eat Me Out" by GG Allin.
favorite
stripper outfit: Punk rock redux, fishnets, leather
mini. "When the girls look like they're in the X-Ray Spex
and shit! I love all the cute punk rock chicks in town.
Ooohhh, I love you."
favorite
bands of the last few years: The Riffs, The Spits
what
color panties are you wearing and how long have you been
wearing them?
"Black
boxer briefs. But I'd take 'em off for you."
quote:
"If any girls wanna get stoned with the Exploding Hearts
they can totally do that. We fuckin' LOVE to smoke pot
with strippers in their cars."
 TERRY
SIXX!
guitar
age:
22
sign:
Aries
hair
color: Black curly shag. Very Keith Richards. Totally
dreamy.
favorite
record: Exploding Hearts' Guitar Romantic
status:
single
what
are you looking for in a girl? "If she can take me,
I'll take her. Plus she has to have brains, ass and breasts."
brains?
why brains? "Cuz then you can fuck her brains out."
worst
drunk disaster? "Last week at our show, involving
booze, girls, cocaine, drugs and hair. I made out with
a girl who hates me. Now she loves me." [Hair? --ed.]
favorite
stripper song: Rolling Stones' "Beast of Burden"
what
color panties are you wearing and how long have you been
wearing them?
"None
since noon."
sweet
ride: 1985 Volvo DL
 KID
CHIGNON!
drums
age:
26
sign:
Capricorn
hair
color: Dark, long and curly.
favorite
record: First two Big Star records.
status:
undecided
worst
drunk disaster: "I was at the Matador and this guy
was bugging this cute chick so I beaned him with my pint
glass. It hit him right in the forehead. Blood was erupting
everywhere. Angelo had me arrested and they threw me into
detox. After I proved that I was totally sober I went
around the corner to some shithole on MLK and Burnside
and got smashed."
what
strip clubs can we find you in? "Mary's Club. Magic
Garden. I used to work at Paradise Video. The best thing
that ever happened to me at Paradise Video was getting
fired."
favorite
stripper song: Anything by Alex Chilton.
what
color panties are you wearing and how long have you been
wearing them? Black briefs.
cool
tattoo: Amongst many other bitchin' tattoos, the Kid
has half a woman--the lower half--tattooed on his
inner shoulder. She's naked and bent over, blood cascading
gracefully from her asshole. Above it says PUNKIN'. Nice!
 MATLOCK!
bass
age:
22
sign:
Aquarius
hair
color: Dark brown, mousy and hot!
favorite
record: Crime's San Francisco's Doomed [make
me a tape! --ed.]
status:
stoned
what
are you looking for in a girl? Brains and ass.
worst
drunk disaster: [off the record]
favorite
stripper song: "Too Fast for Love"
favorite
stripper outfit: White stockings and a leather jacket.
what
color panties are you wearing and how long have you been
wearing them? Yellow for twelve hours.
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On March 10th, Dirtnap Records
will release Guitar Romantic on CD. The best pop
rock to come out in twenty years, Guitar Romantic
looks great covered with your collection of punk
buttons, on the floor with your Riffs t-shirt and
Sex Pistol panties or on the wall next to your Nick
Lowe poster. Portland's been tweaking the pop/garage/punk
formula forever now, and these guys got it as right
as it's gonna get!
Catch
the Exploding Hearts LIVE at the Blackbird on Valentine's
Day. They'll be playing spin the bottle onstage,
so pick your favorite and cross your fingers!
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