|
|
| xmag.com
: November 2002: Media Stalker |
|
I
READ AN INTERESTING ITEM on the last page of the
Portland  Tribune
the other day in a feature on anarchist leader
John Zerzan's favorite recipes. I wasn't
aware you can substitute almonds for walnuts in
Tollhouse cookies. Then again, I'm not an anarchist!
I
said before that I've never read Portland Mercury
editor Wm. Steven Humphrey but somehow
knew he'd be wacky.
I've
since read a feature story on him in the Portland
Tribune's A&E-like Friday insert, only
at Goad's urging. I want to write a column about
Portland media while avoiding Portland and its
media as much as possible.
Sure
enough, we begin by learning that when Wm. Steven
etc. is asked if he's "got a minute," he sets
a one-minute timer on his desk.
Per
one Mercury "arts editrix" (wacky!) Julianne
Shepherd, who's, like: "At the end of the
minute, he's, like, 'Now get out of my office!'"
Let's
just move on. Let's not let that stop us from
having a good time.
Willamette
Week editor Mark Zusman, always a barrel
of laughs, weighs in as well: "I like the Mercury;
I like how they don't take anything seriously."
That
lovable loon! STOP it, Zusman! You're killing
us!
The
Portland Mercury takes themselves more
seriously than a heart attack, and there's such
goodwill and camaraderie among this lot that Willamette
Week tried to secure the rights to their name
out from under them when they heard they were
coming to town.
Alternative.
Liberal. Progressive. Call them what you will,
they're the most easily threatened people on the
planet.
Lookit:
Wm. etc. etc. is probably a perfectly nice guy,
but he's not funny, he's not interesting, and
he's certainly not a cover-story-worthy subject
for any paper not trying to sell us a bill of
goods.
What
the hell is a feature story on the painstakingly
"alternative" editor of some narrowly focused,
hoity-toity, cutesy-wootsy Northwest Portland
publication doing in a paper being shoved down
the throats of the general public?
The
only comment I've heard regarding the Portland
Tribune out here in
East County is: "Who keeps throwing this in
my driveway?"
Honey?
Today's Trib takes an in-depth look at
the editor of the Portland Mercury!
"Super!
Doesn't the Mercury endorse Tre Arrow
for governor?"
The
Portland Tribune consists entirely of Portland
relics with careers that say no one wants to read
them (let alone pay to), listen to them on the
radio, watch them on TV, etc.
The
Tribune was started by the second-richest
person in Oregon, whose heirs are undoubtedly
scrambling as we speak to have him declared incompetent.
How
much is he spending so we can learn that Phil
Stanford
knows Matt Groening? People are starving somewhere.
While
people no one cares about are promoting people
only they care about in his paper, the zillionaire
is having a stream diverted into the
nineteen-acre hole he's had dug on his desert
property so he can have ducks.
It's
got nothing to do with us. Forget the man on
the street unless he's on upscale Northwest
23rd where the oh-so-alternative Portland
Mercury resides. We're just advertising
marks.
Meanwhile,
those of us at filthy little Exotic are
the only ones here in the remote outback working
for a real, proven writer with success beyond
this glorified logging camp [meaning, of
course, J. L. Stockman --Ed.] as opposed
to
certain ancient, supposedly
"alternative" local fixtures who manufactured
their "careers" in "journalism" by dint of being
born to wealthy, prominent families
and who shall remain nameless (Jim Redden, Mark
Zusman, Richard Meeker).
We're
the only ones doing anything remotely "alternative,"
remotely rock 'n' roll.
We're
the true desolation angels here, sensitive to
the plight of the thrashing doves and some of
us having learned firsthand the meaning of the
words: "Freedom of speech--just watch what you
say." (Ice-T)
And,
for the record, all of us at Exotic have
either paid our debts to society or are currently
fulfilling our work-release obligations.
Unless
you have a job where you don't have to stand
on any track record or favorable response to
what you do and can still get paid, don't support
any of those ever-sniffing,
disapproving papers.
And
don't patronize any Portland establishments
except for El Loco Burrito. And keep your radios
tuned to the Chicano station at 1230 AM where
you can hear things like the Archies' "Sugar
Sugar," only in Spanish.
That's
after Howard Stern goes off the air each morning
on KUFO at 101.1 FM. Avoid the Portland reflected
by its "media" at all costs. Believe me, that's
how they feel about your working-stiff,
stripper-ogling, Exotic-reading ass.
re:
The Bush visit melée. The cops even pepper-sprayed
the press? The press was merely hoping to get
some great footage of them pepper-spraying everyone
else!
re:
Oregon City. Something tells me that being the
children of pompous pedants is probably no picnic,
either.
The
"press" can suck The Media Stalker's fucking
dick.
|
|
|
| ©
2002 X Publishing, Inc. All rights reserved. copyright | trademark | legal notices |
|
