The Jack Shack : Exotic Magazine Online : November 2002

They roll across the screen so fast it's like watching grass under the blades of a lawnmower--shaved white slots chugging down black cocks in BEVERLY HILLS 9021-HO (Celestial Productions), surfer girl Lana Rose's pussy-pounding eruptions in UP AND COMERS 105 (Randy West Productions), reverse cowgirls elongated into swirls of wha waz that? by an overzealous use of a fisheye lens in BRING 'EM YOUNG 9 (Anabolic Video), and a tale of money/power/sex about a global coffee plutocrat's propensity for toe-sucking that leaves him open to a shakedown from Nikita Denise as a Russian spy in THE MERGER (Adam & Eve).

Time to check out the news.

Turning on my other TV, Shagraa "the blonde" lets us know Saddam Hussein needs Viagra to get it up. Her real name is Parisoula Lampsos, and she was Saddam's off-and-on mistress for thirty years until she escaped out of Baghdad. She's in her fifties now, still looks pretty foxy, and it's good to know Saddam gave his mistress a porn-queen name. That might be the best way to keep him tame. Like any other guy, Saddam's nukes can't match the power of a porn queen. She's the ultimate weapon of mass destruction.

Keeping an eye on Shagraa, I slipped in HIGH DESERT DREAM GIRLS (VCA) featuring a bevy of sultry bods already trained in Desert Storm anals. Shagraa didn't say if Saddam is into the crap shoot, but one might infer that, given his propensity to buttfuck the Kurds and launch ballistic missiles into Saudi Arabia, Israel, Kuwait, and Iran.

Shagraa met Saddam at a party in 1968, and the first thing he said to her was, "You are going to be the fisherman's bite tonight." The bitch went for it. She led a pretty good life as the princess in the palace until her fifteen-year-old daughter got raped by Udey, Saddam's son. "After the rape of my daughter, I felt hatred for him, and when I slept with him I felt I was being raped, too."

That's almost as preposterous as the story line in HIGH DESERT DREAM GIRLS. But the script about a photojournalist bouncing around in the desert sands doesn't stand in the way of some admirable triple teamwork from Chandler, Kelsey Heart, and Chaynes. Let's slip the triple team into Saddam's palace in the dead of night. I'm sure he'd like them even more than the Frank Sinatra music, which is so cool it gets him doing the foxtrot.

Or better yet, send in a spy who could pass in Baghdad as Stacy, a Middle Eastern teen who gets her first assfuck in TRAINED TEENS (Evil Empire). Stacy walks around in a parking lot looking for her friend. Mr. Nerd arrives, blabs at her for a while, then says "bad things can happen to teenagers." Stacy says yeah, but she's not worried, she's just looking for her friends. Mr. Nerd asks if she wants to ride around in the parking lot and look for them. She says sure. Happens like that all the time when you try to pick up a cute chick in a parking lot, right?

She gets in his truck and he hands her a Buttman magazine, always a good way to impress a girl. She flips through the mag and is shocked: "These chicks are buttfucking!" followed by "What is that in her ass?"

Mr. Nerd helpfully explains it's a dildo, says he's got more mags at his house, and asks if she'd like to see more of his collection. Oh, but of course. She sucks him off a bit in the truck, then it's off to his place for the usual round of sucking, eating, and buttfucking.

I thought maybe he'd ask her something about her ethnic background, since the box cover highlights the fact this is a Middle Eastern teen's first fuck. Maybe even ask her if she got frisked at the airport for box cutters. But no. We know nothing about her except she likes to get picked up in parking lots. But I guess it's too much to ask for porn to touch on real life in the walk-along interviews that proceed walking up a stairway, going inside, doing a quick strip, and then settling down to business.

When TRAINED TEENS wound down, I rummaged around in the closet for more vids. I ran across a couple in the GUTTERMOUTH series from JM Productions. Jack Shack will share with all of you the blurb sent along with the vids from Nelson Ayala, JM's PR guy: "Hey, Fuckface, listen up!!! Guttermouths 26, starring JM's official fucking whore, Keegan Skyy, will be available on 9/23. Guttermouths 26 also features pretty little fuckhole Drew Allen in her most colon-twisting performance ever! Don't be a stupid fuck, you stupid fuck. Order your copies today. And don't miss Guttermouths 5 on DVD which gives you more stroke value than you can shake your fucking dick at. JM Productions thanks you fuckers for your fucking support. Now, fuck off!"

And thank you, JM, for your warmth toward porn reviewers.