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xmag.com
: August 2002:The Industry |
WOULD YOU
SUCK A COCK FOR TEN MILLION DOLLARS?
"How about takin'
it in the ass? Would you take it all the way up
the
ass for ten million dollars?"
There we stood,
three Exotic staffers--all of us men--standing
in the soft summer sunlight on the rooftop of
our downtown building, discussing which supposedly
degrading homosexual act we'd do, and how much
money it'd take for us to do it.
One of them, the
Ganja Gandhi, a k a Ganji, said that sucking
cock was more degrading than getting it in the
ass, and I was afraid to ask him why.
But everyone agreed
that it would be worth ten million bucks to either
suck a cock or get it in the ass. "Ten million
bucks is a LOT of money," Ganji said, and we all
nodded in agreement.
What does that
say about us as men? As Americans?
Beyond that, how
much is one's hetero-male dignity damaged after
admitting you'd do it even if you know that no
one's really going to give you $10 million
to do it?
Against our better
judgment, we found ourselves falling into the
Whore Pit.
I
SAW A WOMAN WITH A FULL BEARD the
other day as I was ordering my hipster coffee
at a politically, um, aware hipster coffee
joint on East Burnside. The Bearded Lady turned
to me and my friend as we were talking, smiled,
and then muttered some pleasantries, but all I
could focus on was that BEARD. I smiled like George
Costanza did in Seinfeld when his date
removed her hat to reveal a bald head--a polite
smile, but one which has no hope of masking its
bleeding discomfort. And this beard wasn't the
scraggly, wispy, pubic kind you sometimes see
on chins in P-Town's dykier enclaves, either--I'm
talking a full-on Jerry Garcia beard, and
it was on a woman with a woman's voice and a woman's
tits and a woman's annoying mannerisms.
What am I supposed
to do about this? How am I
supposed to feel about it? Am I supposed to approve
of it, to say it's politically OK...desirable,
even...when every fiber within me is repulsed
by it? Am I required to have sex with her just
to prove I'm a nice guy? Is this what the Sexual
Revolution has wrought? I was almost as afraid
of this Bearded Lady as I was terrified...and
I mean full-blown psychotic nightmares...by all
the freaky animals in Dr. Seuss books when I was
a lad.
It's called shaving
cream, honey. It's called electrolysis. I don't
think the Goddess looks like Allen Ginsberg, and
I don't think you should, either.
INK-N-PINK
TO SINK? Exotic
staffer Jon Bon Voji's fabled,
mocked, oft-despised, world-renowned, unintentionally
hilarious Ink-n-Pink competition will inaugurate
its third--and final--trip 'round the mulberry
bush this fall. If you like tattoos and vaginas--together--then
you'd probably like Ink-n-Pink.
But sad to say, the once-proud, once-profitable,
once-vibrant "event" is but a wheezing semblance
of its former self. Whereas the first two years
saw a
series of runoffs and qualifying rounds
throughout some of Portland's greater adult establishments
(meaning anyone who'd take it), this year's Ink-n-Pink
competition has
withered down to a single night of undoubtedly
yawn-inducing festivities at a club yet to be
determined. After that, Bon Voji will call it
quits on Ink-n-Pink. The buzz within the industry
is that my proposed Twats wit' Tats competition
has Voge and his ilk runnin' scared, and rightly
so. My competition will feature the hottest
twats with the raddest tats! If you're a twat
with tats...and you covet the title of Miss
Twat wit' Tats...contact the Exotic office.
HOW
MANY LOADS OF JIZZ are
shot daily, on average,
in Portland? How many female orgasms are there?
How many chicks fake it every day? How many
guys try to get it up and can't? How many different
DNA samples would forensic technicians be able
to scrape off that couch in the back of the
Exotic office? How many wads have been
blown back there? How
many in the bathroom?
And more importantly,
young laddie: How many dirty
pictures will it be 'til you've had enough?
How many tweaker strippers hanging from scuffed
brass poles as some sludgy shit-rock blares
from the speakers will it take before you've
had your fill and push away from the buffet
table? Have you ever thought about that? Have
you ever thought about anything? Or are
the pictures enough for you? I need to know.
DADDY BISCUITS,
a k a J. L. STOCKMAN, is
on a self-imposed (meaning his girlfriend forced
him into it)
hiatus from Exotic this month. The portly
ex-con had contributed every month for the previous
eight issues, delighting P-Town pornhounds with
his whimsical observations about fat chicks,
man-boobs, and the rigors of life as a male
prostitute. He also graced our pages with hilarious
photos featuring his disturbingly photogenic
roly-poly self. This month, he had agreed to
attend and write about a meeting of an organization
called Portland Black Men 4 Sexy BBW's,
which was to be held at bitter-divorcée
hangout Bodacious Classics in Southeast
Portland. The event seemed filled with potential
for countless jokes about race relations and
female body image, not to mention golden photo
ops of Daddy Biscuits cavorting joyously amid
black men and fat white chicks. But at the last
minute, the bacon-scented scribe fagged out
of the agreement, claiming he had to work until
1 AM and couldn't make it. But me and The
Redheaded Jewish Clown went past Stockman's
workplace long before 1 AM, and it was already
closed. We think he was afraid to set foot in
a bar because of the new twelve-step wringer
his ex-girlfriend is squeezing him through.
Because he lied
to me...forcing
me to write yet another uncredited feature article
under deadline for
no extra pay...he must now face a double humiliation--therefore,
I mock him not only because he is now affiliated
with a dangerous mind-control cult, but also
because he was afraid to tell me about it.
I don't care
what his girlfriend or the twelve-steppers say--Daddy
Biscuits has star potential, and I'm the only
one who gives a damn about helping him break
into show business. He's built for better things
than diaper payments and sobriety chips. I hope
that in future months he is able to redeem himself
and realize the magnitude of his sin and folly.
And I hope he finally gets around to helping
me write that screenplay for Negroes in a
Haunted House.
IN OTHER EXOTIC-COLUMNIST NEWS, a
literary catfight emerged...and then petered
out...between two of our female writers this
month. Their original columns for this issue
were filled with nasty barbs aimed at one another.
Both of them seemed to be operating from erroneous
presumptions about the other. Each implied that
the other wanted to fuck me. Then, within minutes
of one another, they requested that I pull their
articles and wait for them to submit something
new and not nearly so catty. And in the interest
of the sistas workin' it out, this is what I
have done. Their new columns make no mention
of one another.
I welcome "Shifty"
Henry into our dubious ranks as our resident
Media Stalker. It's always good to have
someone with a cruel sense of humor on your
side. He just might be the man able to piss
off more Portlanders than I can....Next month
will inaugurate Officer Partridge's Hard
Justice column. His mother is a well-known
feminist. He isn't...And if you want to be an
Exotic columnist--and you're a good-looking
chick who can write--flip over to page 18 and
see how you can make your dreams a reality!
ONCE YOU'RE
IN THE INDUSTRY, can
you ever really get out? Earlier today around
the water cooler, the fellas were talking about
the brawlin' bitches in the Beaverton bar and
some whacked-out stripper chick who's addicted
to Ecstasy and is a great fuck but is totally
insane and the
lingerie model who does so much tweak, her eyes
get crossed. And then I look at Kook Dogg
hunched over there at his desk, slapping naked
pix of Portland chix onto the scanner's cold
glass and feeding their bodies into our computer
system, and I wonder if the poor hapless youngster
will ever really have a chance to make it in
the "real" world after being exposed to something
as degrading and soul-crushing as this.
I hope he doesn't read this, because I predict
a future of heartache, alcoholism, and nonstop
porno for him.
Earlier tonight,
the girls from the jack shack upstairs were
standing outside the front door of our building
on Burnside, all tarted-up and handing out flyers
advertising their shows. It was almost like
being in Amsterdam's Red Light District, and
suddenly I felt myself whisked away to a land
of herring sandwiches, windmills, festive clog
dances, and hash brownies. It was a sweet moment,
and I wish I could have captured it on one of
those disposable cameras. I can't complain.
It's not entirely unpleasant to be stuck here
in the fuzzy belly button of downtown Portland
on deadline...deadline, when I feel as if 50%
of my body is composed of Dante's pizza, while
the rest is coffee and Altoids. By the way--wouldn't
"Altoid" be a great name for a black guy?
SO WHAT'S
NEW IN GOADVILLE? If
I told you what really happened this month,
you wouldn't believe me, and I'm unsure whether
you've behaved well enough to deserve hearing
it, anyway, so I'm not going to tell you just
so you have some time to sit around think
about your mistakes.
The
real news is that I'm going to tinker
with my image somewhat. The country truck-driver
thing is getting played out. My plan is a
simple one: I'm going to dress more
like a Nazi, but listen to nothing
but wigged-out Afro-licious black soul music
from the late 60s and early 70s. I'll be stomping
around in motorcycle-cop leather boots and
a starched black workshirt buttoned up to
the throat, groovin' out to Sly and the Family
Stone and Curtis Mayfield on my Walkman. That
should make everyone happy, I think. It's
best to cover all bases, you know?
That's the
thing about me. You could talk to me for twelve
hours straight and still wind up confused.
The Redneck Express is a hard train to stop,
my niggas. I'm more of a freak than y'alls
could ever be, but I'm also more solid than
you could ever manage. I'm smarter and stronger
than you. You're nobody, and I'm somebody.
I could kick your ass on paper and in the
streets. And I never throw the first punch.
But the second through the last are all mine...ain't
that right? I keep hitting back. Harder than
you do. And you know it, bitch.
All I'm saying
is, I'm not going to let any of you retarded
jackass, inverted jackboot, inconsequential
gnatty cloneboys think you can fuck with me.
Nuh-uh. Flavor-Flav ain't goin' out like dat.
I DIDN'T
WATCH ANY PORN
videos this month, didn't see any live strip
shows. Didn't read any porn mags, didn't go
to any jack shacks. Didn't hire any escorts,
didn't pick up any hookers. I haven't even
done any erotic dancing ever since the Health
Department shut down café BEEF-CAKE.
So what qualifies
me for this job?
I don't know.
I just think they're afraid to fire me.
COOL
STRIPPER NAMES
I DON'T THINK
HAVE BEEN USED YET:
Toxin
* Ovaria * Pockets * Jemima * Ragweed * Beltaine
* Schmutzy * Fallopia * Donut * Cellula * Shrimpy
* Teton * Turnip * Romaine * Cuntley * Falafel
* Rotgut * Mandible * Tampon * Gravy * Minoxidil
* Midol * Urethra * Beaver * Slit * Gabardine
* Bucket * Petunia * Hamhock * Boobs * Strumpet
* Lube * Pita * Calamari * Matzo * Candelabra
* Leche * Cochlea * Puncture * Custard * Sherbet
* Crisco * Salamandra * Giblet * Osteoporosa
* Fluorine * Manganese * Galapagos * Vermont
* Nougat * Glove * Skidmark * Kibbles * Tinder
* Omelet * Melanoma * Limburger * Speedbump
* Socket * Cancer * Positive * Pap * Dent *
Possum * Sticky * Tuna * Ointment * Box * Shaggy
* Sheath * Envelope * Tunnel * Quagmire * Duh
* Itch * Boa * Hoagie * Sardine * Kegel * Flan
* Truffle * Doorknob * Trench * Puta * Soup
* Cornhole * Shiner * Manatee
KOOK
DOGG'S
SUGGESTED NAMES:
Gakky
* Propecia * Monistat * Dysplasia * Loo * Mothra
* Carpa
NAMES
THAT BOTH KOOK DOGG AND I CAME UP WITH INDEPENDENTLY
OF ONE ANOTHER:
Dilda
* Urethra
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