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"Can we, as a country, all
agree
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xmag.com
: July 2002: Far Beyond
Evil
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When
I hear the word 'Norway,' a circus of glacial imagery
capers through my  noggin.
Lonesome winds a-howlin' over the humbling fjørds...a
rosy-cheeked Norwegian lad yumpin' across the
finish line of the Spitsbergen Marathon...a massivepile
of cold kippers in the mornin'...it's enough to
make a fella dizzy.
I
could gab for hours about creamy, steamy nights in Oslo.
I might tell you the tale of a madcap taxi ride in Hammerfest.
I'd contentedly quaff homebrew with enormous blue men,
goofin' on our foggy breath in the frigid air. I could
go on about Odin 'til my lutefisk shrivels. Uf da,
I may well write a book on their nummy mustards alone!
Yessir,
I'm a multicultural guy, and it's no secret: I love me
some Norway. And what frosty northern Norway treat do
I love the best? ONE HUNDRED AND FIVE PERCENT PURE
NORWEGIAN BLACK METAL! WHOOO! AWESOME!
Unlike
its tamer counterparts such as Greek "feta metal" or Mbuti
"pygmy metal," Norwegian black metal stakes its claim
as the SCARIEST MUSIC EVER, MAN! In the early to
mid-nineties, black metal caused a brief-but-alarming
stir in the music media by way of graveyard defilement,
suicide, church burning and actual, for-real murder, ostensibly
committed to win Brownie points with Satan or Wotan or
something.
Anyone
can grunt and screech on the subject of remorseless bloodshed,
but it takes a real man...dare I say a Norwegian
man...to walk the walk. From among that swarthy and
esteemed group of spooky, sexy, Scandinavian songsters,
there is but one band that stands out as more inherently
evil than the others. One band alone from whom the posers
hide like li'l bitches. Naturally, I speak of EPISTAXIS.
 Errik
Sjøstrom, Gristly Adams, and Mr. Everything founded
the shrieking metal juggernaut known as EPISTAXIS, who
scythed their way into the metal scene in late 1996 when
their four-track cassette demo, For Pregnant Women
About to Smoke, We Salute You, began floating around
the underground clubs of the depressing Nordic north.
Despite their first effort's
glammy,
Poisonesque, cheese-metal sound, it gained the attention
and respect of devil-worshipping scenesters owing to
its purported influence over teenage metalhead Bjørn
Xstophrrs's decision to hack himself to bits. According
to reports, the boy's parents, Wally and Marge Xstophrrs,
were the ones to discover the boy's mangled-albeit-still-recognizable
johnson, the first in a string of dismembered parts
leading finally to his head, nestled against a cheap
Walkman, Epistaxis blaring within.
Such
scandal only fueled the band's mystique, with further
satanic accolades heaped up phat on EPISTAXIS during
their first tour, when, in a fit of creepiness, bassist
Sjøstrom stabbed himself repeatedly in the mouth
and neck with a salmon hook. In accordance with the
traditional Nordic Hook Suicide Ritual, his body was
thereafter dragged into the woods, burnt to crude ash,
and snorted by
loyal fans.
Gristly
and Mr. Everything continued on as a duo, changing their
overall style  and
delving deep into their chilly Nordic heritage for inspiration.
After casting runes and drinking mead for a fortnight,
a violent, vivacious Viking spirit became manifest and
seemed to say, "BRING IT ON!" They indeed brought "it"
on in their second release, entitled BUKSE!,
which shocked even the most jaded metalmeister with
its fervent allegiance to Satan and unapologetic encouragement
toward random acts of violence. Supposed diehard fans
called it quits, mortified by BUKSE!'s dedication
to All Things Especially Naughty. Not convinced? Think
you've heard worse, mister seen-it-all jadedpants? Check
out these liner notes:
Vi
liker satan. Vi er mot all "FALSE METAL," vi er fryktinngytende
og voldsomme. Hvitt folk er bedre enn svart og brunt
folk. Vi er bedre og smart. EPISTAXIS dreper all musikk.
Ungt folk dreper seg fra vår "RIFFS." Hagl sann
viking familie! Hagl lincoln logger! Det er også
mange kinesiske folk. De eter nok kjøtt dra til
valhalla, sliter De hatten. "Hitler." Behag rekkefølge
EPISTAXIS når De leter etter den mørke
satanic smak!
As
if that isn't enough to make their intentions perfectly
clear, a cassette of the only known EPISTAXIS interview
fell into an Exotic contact's lithe yet staggeringly
masculine hands. Here, transcribed verbatim for the
first time in print, I bring you Norway's Most Notorious,
EPI-motherfuckin'-STAXIS!
Yeah,
this Mykel O'Houli--
G.A.:
--Die at the mighty hands of Epistaxis! We give not
a shit! Our rock equals Holocaust!
Um,
I'm calling for the interview...
G.A.:
Oh, sorry, hang on, let me get Mr. Everything...
To
begin, what inspired you to start a band?
Mr.
E: Music is the mailman, and we are Satan's mail.
G.A.:
Heads up! Epistaxis blasts you in the face!
Mr.
E: We had no choice but to take the initiative and
hit the ground rockin', what with all the false metal
around. If there's one thing I will not stand for,
it's false metal. Could you explain this "false metal"
you speak of?
G.A.:
Epistaxis is the only true metal! Epistaxis rocks
you and then rapes you with a fucking CAR!
Mr.
E: False metal is any metal that leaves Our Dark Lord
Satan unappeased. Def Leppard is a damn fine example
of what I'm talking about here. It's metal, I guess,
but it's played...you know...falsely.
G.A.:
I walk upon it with spiteful black hoof.
What
can you tell me about the suicides [of Sjøstrom
and Xtophrrs]?
G.A.:
Epistaxis supports all badness! Epistaxis supports
violence and "the nasty!" The daemon Adramalech comes
forth from the inky void, that he may snort with us
the honor powder of the dead!
Mr.
E: Killing yourself for Satan: now that's good
metal!
There
seems to be a lot of rivalry among black metal bands.
Have you ever had conflict with others in the scene?
Mr.
E: We got in a MAJOR fight with the WiccaChimps from
Trondheim, and when we played that festival with Ass
Cancer, I nearly kicked Count Yimmylegg's head off
his shoulders. We prefer the crude weapons of our
Viking forefathers when dealing with false metal.
Axes, bludgeons, swords. They look badass. You can
get them at the Ren Fair.
G.A:
We spill the blood of the Nazarene lamb in the shadow
temple of Asartoth! The bearded white ancestry rocks
with us!
Sweet!
Tell me, why are your lyrics totally unintelligible?
G.A.:
We grunt like the unbearable hell-beasts of yore!
Roooaaaarrrgh! Children of the night, what
rad fuckin' metal we make!
Mr.
E: I think he clarified nicely.
Why
do you wear the sad clown makeup?
Mr.
E: It's not makeup, it's corpsepaint! Gristly, tell
him it's corpsepaint! I call false metal on you!
G.A:
Sad clown makeup? No, fuck this, I don't need this
shit! This interview is over! (tape ends)
NOTE:
Just days before publication date, both members of
Epistaxis were clubbed to death in their thatch-roof
apartment near Loføtenbarderheimhåmmer
Junior College. While Norwegian authorities have yet
to make any official indictments, they suspect that
Samoan Brown Metal may be involved.
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